People believe that prominent politicians such as Barack Obama and David Cameron experience stress when dictating the current dire global affairs. However, people cannot fathom the regular problems God encounters. Here is a blog of the possible predicament the Lord has to tolerate with on a daily basis.
February 6th 2011,
Blog No.12,040,001:
I woke up today with that deep husky voice I blessed Barry White with. The clouds were spinning frantically around me. Listening to those whingers has driven me back to the bottle. That's the thanks I get for creating them and bringing them into my world. Enduring the sob stories of Jim from Basingstoke about his crooked nose; Margaret from West Virginia disgruntled about her chubby ankles; or Gunter from Frankfurt pleading to be cured from his prolonged fight with prostate cancer. Who do people think I am? Oprah?
I get enough headache from the wife as it is, "Kim, put the toilet seat down after you use it. Kim, don't talk with your mouth full. Kim, stop looking down my blouse." She keeps moaning that I've put too much weight on recently. At the breakfast table, she joked that whenever I would step on a scale it would say, "to be continued." I know, I didn't laugh either. Although I did laugh when the Green Bay Packers head coach praised me for their Super Bowl victory today. I don't even like American Football. I was too busy watching Days of Our Lives. Miranda keeps reminding me to do my work but I keep telling her that it's a Sunday. It's the only day of the week I can actually fulfil my daytime television addiction.
As the afternoon approached, we sat on cloud nine watching greats like Sinatra and Jackson performing classics such as Hallelujah and Sexy & I Know It. A tribute act in my honour. But the missus kept rolling her eyes throughout the show. She incessantly tapped my thigh, asking me to kill Barry Manilow, all because of that "cute butt" of his. During the performance, I kept contemplating whether to give her a stroke. But, of course, in Heaven I have no control because everything here is eternal and peaceful. Whoever created that rule is going to get an earful.
The evening wasn't much of an improvement either. I was on my hands and knees praying for her to let me spend a night out with Brando and the lads. They had bought a pitcher of sangria with my name on it. Throughout the night I kept receiving WhatsApp messages from Elvis, 'I heard the wife is giving u a headache again, lol. Grow a pair m8!' His grandson has just earned himself diabetes and a severe nut allergy. In the end, Miranda got her way again and I spent the whole night playing Scrabble with a constipated smile plastered across my face.
Manipulative shrew.
YOU ARE READING
An Almighty Blog
FantasyWritten in 2011 for my Creative Writing module at university. This satirical blog puts into perspective the regular problems God encounters on a daily basis compared to prominent politicians in an increasingly destabilised world.