Ghosted and Breadcrumbed

CHAPTER FOUR

"I forced myself to loose feelings for someone I am deeply inlove with"

And just like that, wala na naman kaming communication for two whole weeks. Yun lang ang kinakatakutan ko eh, sobrang naattach ako sa kanya tapos mag uusap lang mula gabi hanggang madaling araw ng mga sweet nothings at random things ng isang beses sa isang linggo tapos wala na naman. Marami sigurong ka talking stage at feeling ko by schedule kami eh. Tapos nung time na kinakausap niya ako is schedule ko. Kaurat!

I am hurting day by day because I always miss him. So bad that I wan't to message him telling him how I feel about him. Pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. Nakakahiya din naman!

"You're still thinking of him right?" My best friend Leanne noticed I spaced out sa work. Lagi naman. I just stared at her blankly. Tumabi siya sa akin, hold my hands and face me eye to eye.

"Alam mo Zee, if there are signs that people changes you in a terrible way and they don't make you feel like yourself, tumakbo ka na. Mahirap mag let go sa mga ganyang klaseng situationship but you know, at the end of the day, magiging beneficial din yun para sayo." I was dumbfounded sa sinabi niya. Ganun na ba talaga yung naging epekto niya sa akin? Di ko na talaga napansin yun.

"Yen, how can I move to someone that I can't even call mine? It's hard right?" I just told her.

No one's gonna talk about how painful it is for the person who wasn't ready to commit to a relationship but flirted with you and make you feel special and love but ended up in a no label break up.

"How can I forget someone ngayong sobra na akong na attach sa kanya? Oo alam kong talo ako kasi ako yung unang na fall, I fell for his sweet words, I fell for his "I Love You's and I Miss You. I fell for his "ingat ka palagi, magkikita pa tayo soon", I fell for his sweet voice, I fell for his personality. Talo ako kasi na inlove ako agad sa taong ni hindi ko man lang nakita in person. Talo ako kasi nagpadala agad ako sa nararamdaman ko at talo ako kasi lagi ko parin siyang iniisip at namimiss while he doesn't even feel the same. Paano ba Yen? Nakakafrustrate! Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko! My heart always contradict to what my mind wants. I really want to forget about him kasi ang hirap. Ang sakit din sobra pero pano? My mind always tell me to forget and move on but my heart doesn't. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. It's just that no matter how many times I told myself na walang patutunguhan tong unrequited love na to still, hindi ko parin maiwasan mahalin siya ng paulit ulit kahit sobrang sakit na"

"I badly wanted to forget him. Forget everything about him. Forget that he even existed kasi sobrang hirap sa part na ako lang yung nagkakagusto. Na ako lang yung naghahabol. Na ako lang yung na attach. I want to forget him so bad pero paano? Di ko na alam!".

Hindi ko alam kung anong tanong ang unang iisipin at sasagutin.
Hindi ba ako worth the risk? Ang tagal na nating nag-usap, nagkapalitan ng mga interes at nagplano ng mga bagay na gustong gawin na magkasama pero lahat pala yun ginagawa mo lang nung no choice ka.

Sabihin na nating isa ako sa mga tipo mo, 'di ba sapat yun para ipanalo mo naman ako?

Ang tagal na nating nag-usap, sayang lang lahat ng kilig ko. Sumisigaw pa ako sa tuwa sa kaibigan ko tuwing icha-chat mo ako. Para tuloy ang dali ko palang palitan, siguro kasi 'di mo naman talaga 'ko nagustuhan diba?

Kaya sana kitang isugal kaso hindi ka tumaya; paano ako tatama?

I let it all out. Yung mga frustrations ko noong mga nakaraang araw. My thoughts of forgetting and unloving him kills me. Nasasaktan ako ng sobra.

"Zee, i know na solid yung feelings mo but imagine this instead, na mag fofocus ka nalang muna sana sa personal growth mo,mas nagiging mahirap pa ma achieve yun because of the struggle of dealing with him. I think it's time to give yourself comfort and the right treatment. It's about prioritizing yourself over anything and anyone that doesn't give you development."