Since my last relationship ended with Dandy, I started messing around with our former trainer in San Diego, and it was kind of hot how it happened 😉. Xavier was who I wanted all along no matter how much I fought it; it was just a matter of waiting for my other relationship to officially end.
I wasn't expecting anything to happen between me and Xavier, mainly because I didn't like him...at first. Dandy, with his control issues, was persistent on having me join Xavier's fitness program and, of course, Xavier was on his side because...he just wanted to take my money, all of it! So, I joined his program and for a couple of months, Xavier was having me do weight training, cardio, and the retched bear crawls. My disdain for him grew but in denial of the fact that I started to have a crush on him. Then my denial started to subconsciously affect me in my dreams.
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I walked into his gym: not for fitness but for painting. He had his easel and canvas ready to be painted on while he was in front of a class full of students who were eager to learn...but me. As he started to play with his acrylic paints, a beautiful rainbow started to manifest on his canvas. He continued to show all of us how to make art using specific strokes and body movements. But while his students were following every instruction , I felt myself becoming frustrated for no reason. So I got up and yelled, "I will create art my own way!", and then I chucked my canvas in the trash and left to the nearest bus stop...which was directly in front of his storefront where everyone could see me steaming for 30 minutes while I waited for the bus to arrive.
During those 30 minutes, he walked past his front door several times, and each time he passed, we gave each other the stink-eye.
Finally, the bus arrived, and I was happy to get out of that awkward situation. But what made it even better was that, in perfect timing, Xavier was just passing his front door again, which gave me the chance to quickly flip him off before I boarded and left. That's when I woke up feeling refreshed and accomplished.
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But as time passed, I realized he was very much like me; it was almost as though I had known him all my life.
Little by little, he started becoming more involved in our lives: wanting to help Dandy and me and our dwindling relationship. But Dandy and I both knew that we weren't going to last and there was nothing we could do about it, no matter how many couples counselors we met up with.
After my relationship with Dandy finally ended, I decided I was going to move to Maryland. Also, Xavier and I continued to stay connected on a cordial level until we couldn't anymore.
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Honestly, this was the first time I experienced intimacy with someone I had known for a long time. My past fucked-up self mostly found strangers on dating sites to start a relationship with. As far as I knew, some of these strangers didn't have to know me on a deeper level to start any kind of intimate relationship with me, and I was comfortable with that. In my reality, all I had to do was show my pretty face online and every man would want me because my looks was all I had to offer. But in actuality, my view of my self-worth was sooooo distorted that I felt ashamed to share my interests, thoughts, and values to another guy for fear of being rejected and shamed for who I am.
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Xavier was my first friend-to-friends-with-benefits type of relationship. Initially, he was open with me about his life struggles and his separation. He also made his expectations about our involvement clear: have fun and nothing more...just texting, sexting, and if we see each other...sexing.
Since our "involvement" started, he texted me daily. The attention I was getting from him felt exciting and enticing. The affection and attention were everything I wanted; even if the crumbs were microscopic, I still tried to survive off it. The constant texting, the mutual respect we had for each other, and his sweet and heart-wrenching comments sucked me into what I thought was a healthy and loving dynamic between us: a loving relationship that I never experienced with my ex-partner. To me, Xavier was my reprieve from an abusive and unhappy codependency with Dandy.
*continue to part 2
YOU ARE READING
Diary of My Little Life
Non-FictionA little story about my little life with HUGE PROBLEMS!
