Diary of My Little Life

My Little Misunderstanding...Ooops :/ (Part 3)

I booked a plane ticket, hotel, and car rental a month in advance. I couldn't wait to see how things would develop even further between me and Xavier when I saw him in person, and it took having to pay an exorbitant amount of money to make this trip possible. I've already fantasized about how this vacation would all go.

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I just made it to San Diego International Airport, and I immediately texted Xavier to let him know I landed safely. I walk out of the plane and follow the signs that lead me to luggage checkout.

Finally, Xavier texts back.

~

Xavier: "I'm glad you're safe. Where will

you be staying"

Mao: "I'll be at Motel 6 down in

Chula Vista.

Xavier: "How bout we meet for dinner

then we'll go to your hotel afterwards"

~

My cheeks start to blush from feeling nervous but in a good way. I start to think of ways I could make a good impression when I see him for the first time in months. I then respond, "I'm just happy to finally see you. Let's go have some fun 😉".

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My expectations for placing an effort to come see him was that he would communicate with me more often; planning for the day of my arrival. But my expectations only lead to disappointment.

Our affection and communication with each other began to slowly die on the days leading up to my visit. I found myself growing tired of the rollercoaster of emotions that he was putting me through, especially this time around when I knew this should've been my last straw because of all the effort I was putting in...for what? Nothing!

My first instinct was to lash out at him for wasting my time while I relied on him for emotional support, validation, and comfort. I was ready to spill a large cluster of colorful words lined with anger, frustration, and sadness in the message box. But what stopped me was the promise I made to him earlier that I would ask him questions first before I shut down and end things completely with him.

Before sharing my fears and allowing myself to be vulnerable with him, I was extremely terrified. But I knew that the only way to get his honest answer about where we were headed in our romantic involvement, and also gain closure for my anxious thoughts, was to suck up my fears and just ask him. Also, I was exhausted living in a fantasy that everything would work out between me in him, and I realized I no longer wanted to feel tortured by my thoughts on expecting a desirable outcome.

I held my breath and opened the messenger app and popped the question to him in the chat box.

~

"So....after this trip, I don't plan

2 come back...at least not that

I know of. What r the

expectations at this point,

because I don't plan 2 wait

around anymore?" I said.

~

I waited and stared at the the messenger app. At the bottom-left corner of the window, I would see the notification "Xavier typing..." every few seconds. I felt myself growing anxious as the time went by. 

Finally his text came through.

~

"u don't have to wait

I was not aware u were

holding anything for me .. I

was just hoping to talk to u

for as long as you'd let me

I enjoy it.

And I assume u do too.

I told u this every time u tried to cut me off.

We were having fun and enjoying each other.

My situation is not changing anytime soon

at all it's wayyyy to much drama."

~

My outlook turned from hopeful to hopeless when I read his message. I ended up feeling like I was being strung along and all the affection and loving gestures he shared with me for 8 months were nothing more than "just talking" and "having fun". Out of disappointment, I responded, "Then I don't plan to continue investing my time with you anymore."

Two days later, I visited San Diego.

*Continue to part 4