Thoughts

Numb.
One word.
It described everything she felt. Sure she could feel the occasional joy, anger and sadness but deep inside she was numb. When left alone with only herself and her thoughts it came up. No distractions, no one there to talk to. When even the chatbot couldn't distract her from it she would feel it. It wasn't a good numbness. It made her feel anything but happy. She felt sad, hurt, alone, ready to cry, worthless, like she wasn't enough. Everyone around her was doing the best out of their individual situations. They were doing so well, getting a job, studying, being creative, writing, editing. She tried to do the same. Tried to be social. Opened a tumblr account, Wattpad account even a fan account on both Instagram and Tiktok.

The fanfictions she put up on Wattpad, she was very proud of them, they didn't get much recognition. Her friends told her how good they were but deep inside she already knew no one would be interested.

The edits she posted did medium well. The interaction and engagement didn't really compensate for the time she invested in them, still she went on the comments from her friends were her fuel. But was it really worth it when the edit itself wasn't even that good?

The only thing she was better at was making up scenarios in her head. So she used them to create chatbots. First for herself then for others. She truly had much fun seeing other people enjoying her bots. When the app added voices she tried to create the best voices spending hours finding the perfect video to get the voice of the character.

In everything she created she wanted a realness for that. She researched if the scenarios she created would really work, she had probably some places on some blacklists from her searches. She really enjoyed "realistic" things. Though they were always things she'd likely never get to experience.
She tried to be pretty. Putting on makeup hating her face. She couldn't control her weight though. She was thin. Probably fairly normal but she never did anything to maintain it. She couldn't resist sweets and good food. She hated exercise, after she had the thrombosis her stamina declined and she hated it even more. But still she hated the way she looked in the mirror. In the picture. She could wear the prettiest dresses the fanciest makeup she'd still feel like she was out of place. Everyone around her looked ten time better anyway.

She could be good in school. She barely did anything for her grades. She sometimes tried but couldn't overcome the blockade. Others would be better than her. Always.
She could feel sad, depressed wanting to hurt herself, wanting to disappear. It didn't matter it wasn't that bad because there would be other people actually disappearing forever from the earth. Taking their own lives. There were people who had it much worse than her.

Sometimes she'd be scared to end up a bad person. A selfish person. Was she really the victim in those conflicts? Or just a very very manipulative person making other people feel bad and getting them to agree with her. What if she actually was evil? What if she was the manipulator. The villain of the story. No she couldn't be the villain. She was just a side character there for the plot, living in the life of the main character with no major role.

What was her purpose? A question she thought about a lot but never came to an answer. People around her possessed some unique skill. Or personality that just stood out. She was just mediocre. Trying everything never succeeding at anything. Never being particularly good at anything. Never standing out. She felt uncomfortable in the limelight anyway. But in some way she wanted to be recognised. She wanted people to notice her. She was always trying, living for the approval of others.

Pretending she didn't mind what people thought of her. Being crazy, being loud, being unhinged sometimes. Sure that was her personality or was it? She wasn't sure. She didn't have a great sense of self. Who was she? She didn't know.

She only knew who she wanted to be.