CONFESSIONS

MY CONFESSION

Right now I am feeling really bad bad  actually worst.... I saw a man almost in his 40's he was well dressed and well mannered too.... just at the moment I saw him a memory flashed in my brain of my bhaiya asking,"who works more is it your mom or dad?". Navya said both of them are equal....yes maybe but I felt for a moment that was all false... I felt that my dad works most....As he had to stay away from the family for months without proper good food yeah he might have had good food but not homemade....Maybe he also has a heart which misses his family for a few minutes....maybe he too feels the pain of getting part-ways but in the end its the money and our comfort that mattered for my dad more than his happiness that he had to keep our family and other things aside to provide us....

But does he knows that I miss him....then for a second thought striked my mind...why do I feel that my dad alone is the hard work while my mom might have also missed him....actually maybe missed him more than me......As I started missing him from the day I felt father's love but she started missing him from the day she was married yes she was too naive to even accept the fact that her husband will just be able to meet her once in a while but not daily....All she did was to take care of us like a strong woman but even she has a weaker side that cried whenever she missed him...Yes I know all of that as a elder daughter...I saw her sobbing once while sleeping she replied it with nothing but Even I know that it was for my dad as she couldn't hold herself from talking about him that whole day....I can understand her pain so I tended to stay strong but how long? How long will I be able to act? How long will I be able to say that I don't miss him and it's fine in the adult world to leave our family for work?

Am I being over exaggerated about it or does it work in the same way? This stricked my another memory of us friends playing true and dare and one of them the question,"Who would you like to swap your life with in the players..." Without even thinking twice she replied it was with me.. she added,"I would really love to swap life with you as I never saw you sad for anything I always find a smile on your face in every situation even when everyone pointed on you... moreover you are good at studies,sports,dancing,singing....you aren't ugly also you are a bit good looking too....."

Should I feel happy that my life is filled with so much fun as others are thinking or should I be sad that when everyone pointed at me....it was me crying in myself for taking the initiative to things...or should I say that I am good at everything because I feel I am always inferior to others yes I am good at everything but I was never perfect.... Perfection always lacked in me....I am good at things because I don't want people like my mom dad who sacrificed themselves to feel bad for having a bad daughter like me...It's not that they ask for anything but it was me forcing myself to keep myself good to make them proud but I failed terribly everytime....

Again my chain of thoughts led me to my dad....Yes I miss him a lot more than he can imagine as I feel that atleast he must be present at my birthday.... another memory flashed..

While my dad came 2days before my birthday and it was the first time that I saw him being with us for such long time like literally 3 days dude we can live our lives to the fullest....but it only left me disappointed as he got a sudden work one day before my birthday...His bag is ever packed so he immediately kept it and left saying,"Sorry I have to leave" while we were literally in the middle of our breakfast....

Maybe he forgot that it was my birthday next day or is he joking? He left till the entrance and turned back my hope regained that we can spend my day together.....He came back and hugged me very slightly from behind while I was still eating my breakfast....I am literally shocked as this is my first time feeling it I mean maybe it wasn't my first hug with him but hugs are really rare in an Orthodox family like mine...Hugs only happen in sudden happiness..but hugging wantedly was indeed the first time my dad said with a heavy tone,"Sorry prithi I won't be able to make it to your birthday happy birthday in advance bye take care I'll send you enough money so don't hesitate and have fun with friends....." He left saying that but I was left speechless....I am at my last point of crying...I ate the breakfast with really heavy heart as I wasn't even able to tell a proper send off...I immediately took my phone and went onto the terrace and started scrolling randomly as I don't wanted to show my tears not to my family actually not even to my self.... should I be happy that I have a such wonderful dad or should I be sad that I am the unluckiest to have everything by myside except him....

I really wanted to correct his statements....,"I never wanted money dad but it was your presence which I lacked from childhood whenever I was in need of a dad...."

When I got hurt it was an outsider helping my mom to take me and admit in hospital...Yes you took leave for a whole month to take care of me...but you weren't there while I was undergoing surgery...while I wanted to share my pain...Yes mom was there but she was crying by herself and blaming herself that she wasn't able to take good care of me so I ended up like this so I controlled my tears even while surgery to not let my mom feel sad I don't blame you Dad I just blame myself for having Such ill fate....

Even when brother got injured I saw you working the whole day and at the night sitting beside him taking care of his leg....You never slept peacefully and that's what is troubling me dad....I mean you love us so immensely I feel terrible to be a miserable daughter as I couldn't be perfect you dad I was a bad daughter to talk back to you...but I just did that to defend myself from being weak I don't know if it's being weak but I don't want you to know that I miss you....as I don't want anyone to understand what's going on in me....I am sitting in the bus while writing this....cool Breeze was hitting my face,I saw a old man sitting beside me...He asked one of passengers bag to hold it as the other passenger was standing...I felt so heart touched maybe my dad does the same thing right? As he has to travel literally every day from one city to another....and whenever he gets to rest he reaches to us and we torn him out as try to cover every thing we missed without having a dad.....we would tire him every moment he reached us...So these days I stopped talking back to him I also stopped complaining that I wanted to go their or here with my dad....all I wished to do was to enjoy his presence....

At the right moment, drops of water hit my face...I looked out to see that it was raining...Oh God you are really good at timing...I hid my phone and continued typing while crying silently remaining passengers just thought it was raining but only I know that it's my tears....I am happy that atleast Rain saved me today.....

Finally all I wanted to say in this journey is I really can't decide if I am so weak that I can't bare being away from family ? Or am I strong enough that I am able to hide all my sadness from everyone else in this world....This rain filled my every ounce of pain...I got down the bus standing still in the rain.... crying my pain out.....

So I am ending this over here it really is a true story and it was my story it was my pain...That was erupting within me from time to time like a volcano I just like how this rain helps me ease my pain and I like my pillow how it effortlessly takes in my tears and keeps me safe from getting caught... I like my smile on the face makes everyone think that I am the luckiest one of all to be able to hide my every bit of pain within me...and whenever I feel a bit worn out I either stare at the sky and continue with such thoughts or simply write something like this on a paper and tear it but now I just wanted to post it as I wanted to be strong.... atleast to unknown people....Maybe I am not alone in this journey...I believe everyone has their own pain but in a different way.....

Note: some of you MAY comment,"Can't your dad just leave that job and join a normal job?"

"Yes maybe when he joined the company he was in need of money so he had no choice but now he really has a choice to leave the company....I don't know his reasons but according to me....even if my dad leaves this job..there will definitely be someone else who is in need of money they'll have to replace my dad in this job for their company to run....but my family got habituated to being away I don't want another family to be in the same pain as of me...I don't want another elder daughter or son of their family to experience the pain of being older when they are still a Kid at heart....so it would be better for that family to get that stable job instead of mine...."

I am ending it here as my phone is drenched in the rain....I AM JUST GRATEFUL FOR MY HERO...MY DAD....