It's a pain I can't describe. Laying in bed all day. Doing nothing. I want to but I can't get up. My chest feels heavy. I look in the mirror and see a terrible person. I'm starting to skip meals. I look in the mirror and feel ugly. I am a terrible person and I know that but doesn't that make me less terrible? I hope so. I always feel like I'm smarter than people and have a much deeper understanding of things but to them I'm just the 'dumb' friend. I can't even feel sorry for myself anymore. I used to look in the mirror and then I would cry and I would cry even more and then I would feel a kind of relief. I would feel better about myself you know what i mean? "I'm a terrible person and I understand that. That's why I cried. That proves that I truly understand how terrible I am. Now I feel better because terrible people who know what they are, are less terrible than people who don't get how terrible they are" But I can't cry. Not anymore. All the pressure is building up inside me. I look in the mirror with a straight face. I do everything with a straight face. Where is the person I was 4 years ago? I mean I'm not like this at all. Only when I'm alone. When I'm with friends I laugh and have fun or at least pretend to feel some kind of joy. All tough sometimes when I'm zooning out or my social battery is used up I just sit there with a straight face and they tell me I look dead. They say it jokingly and I always laugh it off or say that I'm just tired or have a cold. But the moment I'm alone I just turn into someone else. I don't just have one personality. I have created multiple versions of myself for different people so they like me or at least accept me. But in all the untitled projects I have created I lost the most important one. I lost myself in the versions I have created for others to accept me. Or maybe I just broke the true version of myself in many small pieces and connected them with other fake pieces. So I'm only showing the parts of myself to people that they want to see. It's a pain. Not knowing who or what I am.
