ᴅᴇʟᴜʟᴜ is the 𝓢𝓸𝓵𝓾𝓵𝓾

Lets talk: Soccer

I started playing soccer in 5th grade technically. Sure I wasn't part of a team but I used to watch these group of boys every recess and eventually started to get rly into it and then soon enough got enough courage to ask if I could join. And so I started playing with them ever since.

Though I OFFICIALLY joined a team in 6th grade and played all the way through 8th grade. I never thought I would be interested in playing anything but as soon as I learned about soccer it became my PASSION. And I was proud of it, sure I wasn't the best, and of course I had a lot to improve on (especially my footwork like juking ppl out or playing tricks) but I felt proud of the fact that I was fucking FAST. And pretty aggressive, even if there was a giant in front of me about to punt the ball, I would still run head first at them when no other teammates would.

I used to have such vivid day dreams of me playing soccer and looking awesome. I used to fantasize me making these mind blowing saves, scoring incredible goals and pummeling the opponents to the ground (by playing fairly that is) I wanted to strive to be the best.

But...as soon as freshman year started, I had spent all that summer not playing it because our season ended. So when freshman year rolled around it would've been a while since I touched a ball. And for the first time I felt... scared.

I was intimidated by the very word of "try outs" for the high school soccer team. I felt fearful of having to meet a whole new group of people. I felt more overwhelmed as time ticked by, and the try outs began inching closer and closer and closer. I felt mad. I was so mad at myself for being such a coward. I hated the fact that I was even considering the option of skipping out on soccer for this year. I felt no motivation to do it again, I didn't want anyone to see me so sucky. And I hated me for that.

I told myself that if I chose to try out I'd make a fool of myself and that I'm going to be in a slump for WEEKS, I would feel miserable. But I also told myself that If I chose to skip out on it, I would never forgive myself.

Things got too stressful for me, and I uh...chose to skip.

The years already over and summer is starting, and the more I think about joining next years team, the more I feel like I'll never be good enough. I haven't even met the team and yet I already feel like I'm starting at the bottom once again. It feels like there's this huge impassable wall in front of me, and all I can do is stare at it. I feel helpless. I hate myself.