all the stars aligned

weary bones caught the chill - part 2 (tw-ed+sh)

It was the hunger that woke her. The empty bubbling in her stomach. The weight of nothingness filling her gut to the brim. No, she thought, Travis will make you eat today. You will have to, or he will know. You can wait until then. But the weight grew deeper, spreading throughout her body, her head aching and throbbing with the absence of fuel. Her stomach growled, and Travis stirred beside her. 

Oh god. 

She crept slowly out of bed, her body heavy, as if her limbs were packed with sand. Slowly turning the door handle, she crept into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. 

You almost woke him. You must be more careful. 

She took deep, shaky  breaths, her hands dropping to her stomach, wrapping around her rib cage, prominent and jarring. 

Good. Better than loose skin. Better than rolls. 

Her  mind drifted to the first time she saw him. The way his eyes sparkled as he looked at her, the warm feeling in her gut as she looked back. 

It was cold. So cold. As if all the sunshine had been sucked from the world, leaving only icy snow and cold wind. The hunger grew, her stomach screaming. Her body was begging for something - anything. It was weak and angry from days of nothing. The growling grew louder, and Taylor shuddered, imagining the taste of the leftover Thai curry on her tongue. 

No. You pig. You're weak. Do you want to be fat? Do you really think people would still like you? Offer you modelling jobs? Compliment your outfits? Do you think Travis would still want you? Would he still want to kiss a double chin, a flabby gut? No. You fucking pig. 

She remembered the way he held her hand as they went for a walk in Italy. The way his hands were so big that hers looked childlike in comparison. His presence felt so comforting. So permanent. 

But the bad thoughts were here now. Taylor reached down and pinched at her thigh. She knew the drill. Now for the pain. 

Travis is asleep right now. He thinks you had a lovely night together because he doesn't know. He doesn't know. Because you don't tell him. Because you lied like the fucking bitch you are? And for what? Because you're scared of food. You baby. You fucking baby and he loves you and you lied. 

She scrunched her eyes, pinching harder. The pain was fierce, willing the bad thoughts away.

You're a 34 year old woman and you're scared of fucking food. Because you can't be fat. I mean, you saw the scale, right? Way too fucking much. Travis could do so much better and I mean you're not even his type he likes girls with an ass and there is no way you can get one of those because you're a fucking toddler because you're fat. You baby. 

She recalled the trip to the beach, the way he swam after her in the ocean. The way she clung to his back as he pulled her around the water. The joy seemed so distant now, buried under bad thoughts and pain and tears. 

Oh god the pain wasn't making it go. 

You fat chubby baby you're not skinny you don't have an ass so what are you what are you Taylor what are you a liar you are a liar that's what a fat chubby liar 

She squeezed harder and harder and harder but it wouldn't stop

He loves you you're not good enough

She would have to make the pain worse. She'd only done it once before but she would have to do it again because the thoughts were so loud. 

YOU BITCH YOU FUCKING BITCH

She reached forward opened a drawer. Her fingers latched around the cold steel of a razor blade and she

BITCH YOU BITCH HE LOVES YOU AND YOU'RE A BITCH

brought it down, pulling down her pants and holding the blade against her thigh. Biting hard against her lip she dragged it back and forth against her skin

LYING BITCH

and she watched as blood bubbled where she had cut, a tingly feeling shooting up her chest, her head clearing as the blood pooled and run down her leg. It was quiet now. She had won. The bad thoughts were gone. The pain was working and now it was time for the tears. The tears were here because the pain really did hurt. And - if she was being honest, the thoughts hurt a lot too. And so she let the tears fall along side the tiny drips of blood. She wiped them both away with little balls of toilet paper, and sat down on the lid of the toilet. 

Three minutes of silently staring at the wall passed before she heard she was pulled out of her daze by soft knocks at the door. "Tay? You okay, babe?" Taylor chest tightened, oh fuck.

"Y-yeah." Her voice faltered. Too obvious to be ignored, and Travis loved her too much to miss it. 

Slowly, he reached for the door knob, "I'm gonna come in, okay?"

Taylor pulled up her pants and lifted her head. "Okay."

He opened the door tentatively, as if attempting to tame a wild animal. She watched as his eyes flicked between the drops of blood on the ground, the razor blade on the sink, and Taylor's tear stained face. 

"Taylor?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you- are you-"

She nodded slowly.

ok sorry i forgot about this and i didn't write for a while and i PROMISE i will finish these chapters if you want bc it's kind of really nice to write them (which is strange - right?) but yeah thanks for reading pls comment and tell me if you want light hearted fluff stuff or more of this :)

sorry it's short i'm tired lmao