Retired Lover girl.

2.

And the story of us looks a lot like tragedy now.
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Humans make mistakes. It is only natural to be imperfect. So what does that make God? Albeit he is not human , he does make them. Mistakes. Constantly being criminally unfair to me.For instance, The day he took my grandma to heaven before I could have a proper goodbye.
When I begged him to let me get a job because my life depended on it but I still did not pass the interview. And his annoying mistake?making me an empath.so easy to be selfless.so easy to feel.so easy to please and ever so easy to hurt. And the greatest one yet?granting my wish to marry my first love knowing damn well my fragile heart never stood a chance.
Isn't he supposed to be all-knowing?
Isn't he supposed to look out for those who believe in him?
Wasn't he the one to ward me from danger?
What number was I on his grace list?
These things might be too minute to pin them on a big God right? Then is it difficult to handle small things for someone who reveres him?

At the end of the day, those were just thoughts.with no answers.How did we end up here? One moment it is spring. It's two days late after my birthday.Jack was supposed to have flown in then but his flight had been delayed.So he offers to make up for it with dinner that Friday night.when the day comes around, I put on a red summer dress at his request and I got out of the house only to be surprised by a booked ride. It's always the little things with him ,I thought.
I get to the restaurant and am guided to a reserved table. It is more of a booth and it is entirely surrounded by twinkling fairy lights. There are  lit candles on the table emitting warm, cosy light. At the centre is a bouquet of red roses and a few loose petals scattered. I pick it up before looking around trying to find him. His voice comes on through some speakers. The few people turn their heads towards the raised reception area and I follow the gaze to finally see him standing holding up a mic.There is a quizzical brow lifted up involuntarily when our eyes meet. As if that is his cue, he begins his embarrassing yet sweetest speech I have yet to hear.

"Hi June. I knew I was going to be nervous for words if I saw you first so forgive me for not being at the table to give you the i-miss-you hug. Seeing you tonight in that red dress reminds me the first time I saw you. And our first date.The way your eyes look at mine like you can actually see me. Your smile that brightens up all the dark corners of my world and haunts me in my sleep. Most importantly, the person that you are. Your thoughtfulness and a beautiful heart that tries to accommodate every person you meet. Your warmth is felt by everyone who comes across you. And I am especially lucky to be loved by an angel like you. One look at you everyday sets my world straight and in the recent days when I get home,the house feels empty. Of you. Of your radiance.I realize now that I don't know how to live without you. Will you please put me out of my misery and grant me the honour of marrying you?

How do you say no to that?

When did that turn into being in our bedroom packing up his items into boxes and erasing himself from my life while I lay in the next room that was once our guest room trying to shut out the beautiful sunset rays spilling from the ceiling to floor window. But more than the rays, I am trying to shut out the pain that is bleeding into my heart causing it to dampen and drown in grief.
After what feels like eternity, I finally hear the front door shut behind him.he is gone.for good.
Tiptoeing back to the master bedroom careful not to make my steps echoe to remind me of the emptiness that surrounds me, I stand at the door.
Everything is disheveled in the room. The only things left in it are mine and our photographs. He didn't take any. Of course he didn't. I pick up the frame that had been kicked off the bedside table. There is a tall man in a black tuxedo sporting a big smile and he is squinting his blue eyes from a laughter.His hand is resting on the waist of a woman dressed in a white gown. Unbeknown to the camera man taking the shot, the couple are laughing at the veil that is about to fall off my head. In it, we look picture perfect but now the frame spots a crack. It is classic symbolism.
I fall to my feet and wail for what feels like hours. My emotions are all over the place. Pain.loss.grief.hurt.and Anger.Not sure if it is a projection but it is directed at someone.
Hurriedly, I pull an oversized black hoodie over my jeans and storm out into my car and drive off. I make a stop after twenty minutes at my destination. There are dried- up tears on my face when I look at the driver's mirror but that doesn't stop me from walking into the church that I come to every Sunday. There is no one in . It is a wednesday.
This is good. He will be able to save face to the rest of the people that believe him still.
I speak into the vast space. I know he is around. Can't see him but he will hear what I have to say.
"Was this a pact between you and him?I prayed to you everyday. I helped the homeless man down the street with food everyday. I made sure to live right and didn't even fault you for the mistakes in my life from time to time. So why am I always short of your grace? You made me right? With so much love to give but none to find me worth of receiving it?
You disguise my greatest weakness of being an empath as the gift of being humane.while you let your favourites walk all over other people's hearts with no shred of regret and compassion. You punish the wicked huh? What a sadistic joke.
You bless them with the gift of ignorance bliss.unable to feel pain when they hurt.unable to feel sorry when they destroy. Do I not deserve that too? What do I give up to be worth of that, Answer me!"

I wait for one. But there is only silence.
" Yeah that's right. You can't answer that. You have always hid from me. Always in the shadows but never there to hold my hand.so today, I'll let go off your hand too.i don't need to be your favourite to be ruthless and cold.
I don't need these stupid emotions that only make me weak and at the mercy of them.i can be one of your favourites too. Uncompassionate, cold,incapable of loving.

Will I be worthy of your grace then?"

I storm out into the now chilly night. A new determination evident in my eyes. I had been ruthlessly created weak. And I loved.And I was hurt. If jack and his handler thought I will break, watch me live my life. On my own terms.