Retired Lover girl.

4.

I know ,you never intended to be in this world. But you're in it all the same. So why not get started immediately. I mean, belonging to it. There is so much to admire, to weep over.
..........................................................................
🚫 SUICIDE 🚫

The bed makes a creaking sound as I gently sit on it and look at her. My wife makes painful groaning sounds as she makes an effort to turn to my direction.There are welling tears in her eyes as she stretches her hand to hold mine.She draws in laboured breaths as she struggles to speak
" It is almost time. You have to let me go love."
A lump of grief is stuck in my throat
" I can't." She had been battling stage 4 throat cancer and she was in her last stretch. I can  feel it and I know she did too. So did everyone else who knew her and had come down to the hospital to say goodbye.
I move to shift her frail body from the bed into my arms and I keep sending a prayer to the universe every thirty seconds wishing on a miracle. We'd been together only for two years before we found out she was sick . I needed more time. To love her. For her to feel loved. But the end was inevitable. I could only watch in tears as her chest heaved up and down until it finally stopped. God had decided then that in this lifetime this unbearable loss was mine to bear. But in the next?if there is a next...
Would we have more time to love?
Would we have kids?
Will her life be filled with laughter and health?
Will God give her grace to know me all my life?
Will God give me grace to go first?
....
There are large prints in the next page.
The end of give me grace by Alec Wales.

As I look around the empty cafe, I can't help but relate to the sentiments of the author. In another dimension,does the universe understand that some pains are too detrimental for a human heart to bear? Would I  then find meaning and sense in the things people went through even though they were enough to break a spirit?
On most days, I handle my pain well but that little piece of writing has left residues of emptiness in me. It is autumn season. Outside are beautiful hues of oranges and yellows dotting the gravel . It looks beautiful. But my eyes shift back to my empty cafe. I am bankrupt after using all my saving to put up my business but it's been slow . To top it up is my failed family life at 28. When does the light in my life finally turn back on? I sink down Infront of the reception counter. The warm sunrays are disappearing beyond the horizon. Not very many people are on the streets around this time. It's safe, no one will walk in.
I have been overwhelmed lately. Always on the brink of falling apart. The thoughts of getting a therapist, I have pushed away . I will not let anyone see me broken.This rough patch should be something I can handle.But this evening, I can't help but think
If I die early, will my next life that is full of grace be granted to me?

Back home, this would have been the time when our backyard was filled with orange pumpkins and spooky Halloween decor. The autumn leaves from our neighbour's maple tree scattered on the grass. Jack is yelling for me to come and do the honours of lighting up the different coloured fairy lights he has put up.
Was he doing that right now?His kid is probably lighting them up.

There are bitter tears staining my cheeks as I wail out the heartbreak that I have managed to hide careful not to burden anyone. Should I just end it?
There is something about this Halloween and death tonight that feels like the quiet after a night out. I stand on one of the stools behind the counter. The ceiling appears to be lower than I had previously thought.In no time , there is a loop hovering over my face and closing my eyes quickly not to overthink it, I encircle it on my neck. I kick the stool away and then there is just lightness. The knot on my neck is getting tighter and my eyes are bloodshot but thankfully the pain in my chest is gone or... forgotten.
       Good.
I make a mental note not to think about my mum's beautiful face crumpled in pain and only think about how freeing this is going to be in the end. The lights are slowly fading into white little dots and just when I am about to black out , there is a ding at the door.
I can barely register someone cursing as he hastens to grab the stool I knocked out and before I know it, we are tumbling down together and I am letting up painful coughs trying to catch my breath. A moment later, I lift my eyes to stare back at frightened hazel ones.

" Jesus! Miss, I am so glad you are okay. Why-?"
I did not wait to hear whatever pitiful , therapeutic shit he has to say but I start hitting him hard punching his chest sometimes lower because I am blinded by tears.
" Dimwit! Asshole! Who gave you the right ? Did I ask to be saved? Who said you could play hero with my life?" I yell painfully.
He allows himself to be assaulted for a moment longer before he grabs my hands to make me stop. I try to break free but he is way stronger. He forcefully lifts up my head and in his eyes, I can make out undertones of pity, empathy behind the fright.
" Hey it's okay. Whatever it is, you will be okay I promise."
I did not believe him back then but I wanted to. I allow myself to give in and sob in his embrace.
The moment I feel a little bit better, I suddenly realize that this thoughtful man is a stranger and I do not want to have the embarrassing talk about my choices tonight so I do the only logic thing right now. Spring up, grab my sling bag from the drawer and rush out. Anywhere but the cafe.
The next morning, when I gather enough courage to go back to the cafe to close up since it was on Sunday and obviously didn't lock up last night, there is a new lock on the outer steel door and an envelope that has been squeezed in the tiny space between the twin doors. I pull it out and there is a key inside and a note that says that there is still so much to live for , I just have to patiently wait. Looking back , that stranger might have taken care of my cafe that night but he saved something even greater . My life.
And now , as I make my way back to my seat in this event, that stranger is right here, Infront of me after four years. And he is one of the few people I have admired and wished to meet not knowing that our paths had already crossed.
" Hello everyone. I am Alec Wales and I am more than honoured to stand here tonight and receive this award for work that meant a lot to me. Most of the people attending tonight and fans of my books are probably wondering why now? I must admit that over the last few years , even though my books have won accolades and praises, they have always felt like a task I needed to complete. 
The words did not hold much meaning until I wrote the novel give me grace. It has been such an eye opener in reminding me why authors write novels .  I met someone a couple years ago. She was not in a good place and I had wished that wherever she ends up, she will not have a hard time again. And then recently, I saw she was doing better and in a way it was my epiphany in understanding the last part of my novel about God and about the universe giving grace and how relatable that was. That alone has given me courage to write more in the future and more importantly to come out tonight in this way to witness that special person's rebirth..."

I needed to get far away from here. The rest of his speech faded out as I stood up from my seat and made my way to the exit.

Finally I get to meet her again.
Finally I can make out the colour of her eyes without tears
And finally there is a moment where she is shining so bright in this world.