To All the Boys Who Hurt Me

It All Ends Here

The wind whipped through my hair and pierced my shirt, causing it to ripple in the breeze. It was cold, with the mist coming off the roaring waters below chilling the air even more. The only possible source of heat, the sun, was blocked out by dark, stormy clouds that loomed over the world, threatening.

I took a deep breath, holding on tightly to the metal beam beside me. My hands felt numb against the freezing metal. It was rough and uncaring, like it wanted me to let go. But I held on tightly. It wasn't time to let go yet.

The water below looked harsh and violent, yet so inviting. Something in the white, foaming waves of the choppy river enthralled me. The cold emptiness in my chest wanted me to jump in. To make my body as cold as my heart had become over the years.

I reflected over my life, a small, humorless smile taking over my face. I had such a good beginning. Two loving parents and a wealthy beginning. A steady college fund from the day I was born, and a warm home to reside in.

My mother taught me compassion early on. From the day I could speak, she made sure I knew to treat others with kindness. She also made sure I stayed smart, top of my class. I was the only kindergartener with a third grade reading level, and it was all thanks to her.

My father gave me his humor, making sure I could crack a joke in even the most dire circumstances. He gave me the ability to see the good in the world, even when there was none. As a child, I never thought I'd have to use it, only able to see the world as good in my innocent youth. But I'd one day come to appreciate the gift.

Eighth grade was the year I realized I was gay. It was the year where suddenly everything in my life made sense. I was elated. The missing puzzle piece had been put in place. I told my parents. They were supportive and bought me more pride apparel than I could ever wish for. I told my friends. They instantly started gossiping about the hottest guys, asking for my opinion. It was beautiful and perfect.

Life continued as normal, and I entered high school. It was scary, as it should be, but I felt so ready. I thought nothing could harm me, since everything else had been a breeze. And it was. Until I met my first boyfriend.

I laughed as I thought of him, my laughter echoing through the small valley. I was so young and innocent. Never did I think that there was anything bad about love. Never did I think that someone I loved could cause me harm.

It didn't last long. He was nice, but not for me. With my heart aching, I broke up with him. He didn't seem to care and was okay with it. In fact, he didn't seem affected at all. He left me feeling like a fool as I nursed a hurting heart.

It was a common theme across the next three years. I'd get with someone, I'd love them with all my heart, I'd give them my all, and they'd just break my heart. And whenever I got the courage to say something, I'd be left in more pieces than before, with no one but myself to pick up the pieces.

After the fifth, I'd had enough. I was in too much pain. My parents were starting to hate me. My friends didn't like me anymore. Everything perfect about my life came crashing down on my head. They took down any support I had and left me with nothing.

I wrote them all a letter. Each and every one. Without a second thought, I drove to each of their houses and left the letters in their mailboxes. I knew most of them would be angry upon reading the letter. They'd punch something. Others would cry. They might even try to apologize. But they wouldn't have the chance, that I'd make sure of.

Letting one hand drop from the metal beam, I wondered what their expressions would have been. Would they stay the same throughout, or would they change? Would they express a rollercoaster of emotions, or stay stone-faced as they read the list of grievances? I'd never get to know, but it didn't stop my curiosity.

The last thing I decided to think about was my future. What would it have been had I not dated anyone? Perhaps I would be on my way to Yale with a full ride scholarship. Perhaps I'd be CEO of a company, or head scientist at NASA. Or maybe I'd be writing LGBTQ literature and making picture books to educate little kids on the world of diversity around them.

But that was all gone. I'd thrown it away. I thought love would be better than focusing on my future. I thought love would carry me through life. All it did was toss me around until I was too battered and bruised to fight back. Then it finished me off.

I let go of the metal beam with my other hand. Now, all that stood between me and the icy sleep below was the small ledge on the side of the bridge. One step and I would go in. One step and it would all be over. I'd be happy again.

The sound of a car engine grew loud. Gravel crunched loudly under tires as a car pulled into the park just beside the bridge. I took a deep breath. The moment they saw me they'd call the police and try to talk me down. The car door slammed as I heard their footsteps sprint across the gravel. I lifted my right foot slowly, moving it forward. I was a split second away from stepping off when I heard the person's voice.

"Lukas, stop!"