Third Time's the Charm

•| There's No Silver Lining |•

"What happened?"

"Annie, baby, come on, talk to me. One argument and you're ready to leave everything? I thought you were adults. Why can't you just talk it out?"

Tears stream down my face. My head throbs from yesterday, and I feel a stabbing pain in my throat. I can't get a word out.

"I don't understand your problem. Robin is a good guy. He doesn't drink, he works, he goes to school-"

"Dad, please, stop."
Those are the only words I can manage. The world is closing in, and there's no air left in my lungs. The pain in my throat intensifies as I try to stay calm and avoid breaking down into hysterical sobs.

The rest of the drive home is silent, with only the hum of the engine and the radio reporting on snowstorms and icy roads. But outside, there is no snow, just frozen ground, yellow grass, bare trees, and crows circling in the sky. I scan the road with my eyes, doing my best to avoid my dad's concerned gaze. It's the same road I always took to his house. The same road where I used to save frogs during summer nights as they tried to cross to the other side.

But it seems like I won't be traveling down this road again. At least not for the same reason as before.

"There are some blankets and a towel upstairs on the bed. If you need anything, we'll be downstairs. There's food on the stove if you're hungry; it's still warm."

My mind feels heavy as I try to process all the information and emotions swirling in my head. My arms ache from carrying the bags, and my throat is dry. I thank my aunt, trying to pretend I didn't notice the look she gave my dad, and head upstairs to what will be my new sanctuary.

The kid's room is just as I remember it. A large bookshelf by the door, a small table covered in papers and dried-up markers beside it. Boxes full of Legos, Barbie clothes, and baby doll essentials. Two little strollers under the only window in the room, hidden behind a massive spruce tree outside, so no light can get in. An oval mirror with drawers and two small cabinets next to the bed, and an empty, large closet with both sliding doors missing.

And so much dust...

The only difference is all my stuff, still packed in bags and backpacks, neatly arranged next to the bed.

I change into what looks like my cousin's shirt and running shorts and dive into the blankets. The only thought in my mind is...

What the actual fuck do I do now?

I have no idea how to climb out of the lowest point of my life where I currently am. My chest feels tight, and another wave of tears rushes out without warning. I bury my face in the pillow so no one can hear me, completely losing control of my breathing. The stabbing pain in my throat returns, and my nose is slowly getting stuffed.

Here I am. Lying in the fetal position, a complete mess, crying my lungs out into the pillow. It couldn't get any worse. I couldn't be more of a mess. There's nothing left that could help me or make all this pain go away. There's nothing left for me to do but... die. I'm so disgusted with myself right now that my only, and latest, refuge seems to be self-harm.

This whole relationship, these entire two and a half years, was self-harm. I knew it. But I had no idea it would leave me this broken. I thought I had come to terms with the fact that there was nothing left to save in that relationship. I was so sure for the past several months that I would just... be okay when it was over.

So why am I letting it bother me so much? When deep down I knew it was never meant to work? What is it that's breaking me?The damp pillowcase is becoming uncomfortable, soaked with tears mixed with snot. I'm dehydrated; there are no more tears left. It's just me, myself, and my headache, among other aches.