In the Melancholy Moonlight, Part 3: Supernova

Chapter 145: Dear Cedric,

November 4 5, 1995

Dear Cedric,

I'm still sinking. The current seems to be dragging me along, so I look like I'm swimming from the outside, but inside, I know it's all just for show. I'm still sinking, more and more and more every day. I'm tired, Ced, I'm tired, I'm so tired. I just want a breath of air again.

Do you think I'll ever remember what it felt like to breathe?

Today was a long day. A lot happened. It was Ron's first Quidditch match. He did alright, really he did, but the Slytherins made up this horrible song just to taunt him and he holds himself to an impossibly high standard already, so he wasn't terribly pleased with the outcome even though Gryffindor won. And THEN, as if Ron being upset wasn't bad enough, Umbridge permanently banned Harry and the twins from playing Quidditch because Harry and George finally beat Malfoy up. (Fred would have loved to join, but apparently Angelina and Alicia and Katie were all holding him back.) It's so unfair, it's all so unfair.

On the bright side, Hagrid is back! I was so excited to get to see him. But... well, I ended up telling Hagrid and Ron and Hermione about what happened over summer. Not the whole story, and not in too much detail, but I did. Hagrid was off doing something similar — willingly, mind you, he wasn't kidnapped the way I was — and I was upset and it seemed as good a time as any. I haven't gotten to talk to Ron alone about it, but he did seem a bit shaken up. Hermione, though... well, as soon as I got back to the dorm (I stayed in the common room talking to Harry a bit) she had a couple of questions, and by a couple of questions, I mean a lot of questions.

"If she looked through your file, wouldn't she know you're a...? What do you mean, she didn't? What else would your attack be listed as? Well, why doesn't it say you were attacked by Greyback? That's a relevant detail."

Yeah... it's been a long day.

Dumbledore's Army has been going well, I think. People seem to be learning the spells well, which is excellent. That's the whole point, after all. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to someone else I love.

Have I told you about the bulletin board in the Room of Requirement? At least one person adds something to it every time the D.A. meets. It started with a couple of pictures of you from Colin and a few newspaper clippings, but I have to make the board bigger every meeting. People write notes about why they're fighting and add their own photographs with you. I know you'd probably be so, so embarrassed by all of this on your behalf, but I don't think it's quite like that for everyone. We all miss you, of course, and we all loved you, and we don't want what happened to you happening to anyone else, but you're not the only reason we're fighting. Everyone has their own reasons; you're the common ground, the springboard. The starting point. You'll always be the foundation of my fight, but there are other reasons beginning to build, too. Harry, for instance, and Ron, and Hermione, and Ginny, and the twins. I can't let anyone else die. And Hagrid, for all that he's been through, and Sloane, before they try to recruit her, too.

I miss you, Ced. I miss you so much. I love you more than I miss you, though, I promise, and I always will, no matter how much I miss you as time goes on without you. It's been a long day, so I'll call it a night, but I hope you're happy, wherever you are. Come and say hi sometime, why don't you? If you can?

Love always, Lucy

🩵💛❤️

November 5, 1995 (I think, at this point)

Dear Cedric,

If I'm being honest, I'm not quite sure where to start. I'm doing my best to take care of Lucy, I promise I am. She's trying to pretend everything is okay, but she's not convincing me, even if she is somehow convincing nearly everyone else. I'm not quite sure how to convince her I'll always be there for her and she's not a monster, but I'm trying. I'll never stop trying. I won't let anything hurt her again, as much as I possibly can. She's my best friend. She means the world to me. I can't let her down again.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I asked you to take the Portkey with me. I'm sorry you got caught up in yet another one of my life's great disasters. I'm sorry I was the only one who left that graveyard alive. I'm sorry everything went so horribly wrong that night. I'm sorry I couldn't protect Lucy this summer. I'm sorry I didn't figure out her secret sooner, and I'm sorry I let her get that detention in the first place and didn't stop the second one and... I'm sorry. I'll make it right one day, I promise I will.

I wish you were here so I could ask your advice with helping Lucy. You were always so good at it, and I'm trying, but I feel like I'm always missing something. It's frustrating. I'm not frustrated with her, of course, it's me who's the problem. How did you help her when she pulled inside herself around the time of the full moon? How did you balance out her... well, what did you say when she got overwhelmed by everything? I know I'll never hear from you, but... I'm still trying to figure all of this out. I thought I knew her so well, but I'm realizing just how much she carries — how much she has been carrying — and just how much she keeps to herself. Why does she hold so tightly to what weighs her down? Merlin, please don't tell me she thinks she has to carry all of that by herself.

I hope you're alright, wherever you are. Say hi to my parents for me, will you, if you can? I'll write again sometime; I'm not sure how much Lucy is or isn't telling you. Something tells me my view of her is more objective than her own, anyway. I know you'd want the truth about how she's doing, so I'll keep you updated. I'll keep you updated on what I learn about helping her, too. I promise I'll never give up on her. I promised you I'd take care of her, after all.

Sincerely, Harry Potter