Relentlessly Yours [Completed]

Chapter 20

Nicola, Age Twenty Five
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Halos himatayin ako pagtapak na pagtapak ko sa kwarto ko. Ramdam ko ang matinding pagod sa halos twenty hours na byahe at gusto ko nalang magpalamon sa higaan ko.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang magpalit pa ng damit o maghubad ng sapatos at agad na binagsak ang katawan sa kama.

Wala sa loob na napatulala ako sa ceiling. I grabbed the first opportunity to leave Kai's apartment as fast as I could. Nang narinig kong may kausap siya habang nakatalikod sa akin at nakaharap sa labas, hindi ako nagdalawang isip na hablutin ang bag ko at ang unang jacket na nakita ko; jacket niya. I knew I'll get cold in the plane but I didn't have time to change or even open my luggage which I also decided to leave because it will only cost me precious time to escape.

I was just able to make it inside the plane before the plane door closed. I felt relieved but also felt a deep sense of loss.

After years and years of chasing Kai, I am finally making a conscious decision to stop. Iba pa 'yong nangyari netong nakaraang tatlong taon. I only avoided him to protect myself, because I was afraid that he was going to hurt me again.

But now, I left because I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I refuse to believe in his lies about the nature of his relationship and sexual experience. I refuse to let myself hope again.

But shit, ang sakit.

Hinayaan ko ang sarili na umiyak habang nasa plane. Mas mahirap pala ang mang-iwan kaysa sa maiwanan. I don't know how I'll be able to overcome the fear of losing the emotional connection and the memories we had together. Kaya hindi ko alam kung paanong nakayanan ni Kai na iwan ako dati. Maybe he just didn't love me the way I thought he did. The way I loved and still love him.

I feel lost and I don't know know how to start again. The only thing I know is to love Kai. It's all I did my entire life. Even my art revolved around him. Even my project in Africa, despite really wanting to help, was an escape I deliberately made to keep my mind off him.

What now? Ano nang gagawin ko ngayon?

I sighed and close my eyes. My brain is still busy with thoughts but my body is pulling me from consciousness. Nagising lang ako bigla ilang oras ang makalipas dahil naiihi ako.

Mabigat ang katawan na tumayo ako at pumasok sa banyo. I was already slightly awake so I decided to just wash my body and change to a pair of red silk pajama shorts para mas masarap ang pagtulog ko ulit.

Mag-aalas dyes na ng gabi at hindi pa ako kumakain pero mas pipiliin kong matulog ngayon.

I let my wavy and slightly curly black hair down my back and went out of the bathroom. Nagsimula na ako ulit na maglakad papunta sa kama ko pero natigilan ako nang mahagip ng mga mata ko ang nakabukas na pinto sa studio ko.

Kunot ang noo na naglakad ako palapit at agad na napagtanto na bukas ang ilaw.

What the hell? I don't remember going there unless nag-sleep walk ako?

Balak ko lang sanang patayin ang ilaw at isarado ang pinto pero agad na kumabog ang dibdib ko nang makita ko ang pamilyar na postura ng katawan ni Kai.

Ha? Panaginip ba 'to?

Ginusot ko ang mga mata gamit ang kamay ko para siguraduhin na wala ako sa panagip o di kaya ay namamalik-mata.

There's no way Kai is here in my room, in my freaking mini-studio because he's supposed to be still in Monaco. Ang alam ko ay may karera pa siyang nakatakda sa makalawa.

At kahit pa wala siyang karera. There's still no way he'd be in here.

Except, he is. In fact, he's currently staring at my first painting of him with a stiff stance of his body.