Right now, what was happening? It was what I hadn't expected to ever happen to me again. I was so sure of it, what I'd done.
I was waking up.
My senses were slowly waking up. First were my ears, my hearing, then the feeling of the sheets that were covering me. Then my vision slowly blurred in along with my sense of smell. I didn't want to open my eyes. But I did, of course. My eyes slowly opened and I was suddenly completely aware of the room. The hearing through my pointed ears and the smells that were now fully processing combined reminded me as much as being in the bed and dressed as I was. I was in the hospital, likely alone because I was dangerous. I was a fucking menace to everyone I might care about because my mind was out of control and so were my flames. I was letting them out with less abandon than Rin.
Rin.
I wasn't gonna be able to look my brother in the eye. Not after all of this. I had berated him for months now, yet having the flames for not even a month I let myself get out of control. First kill someone, then nearly kill myself. Some role model.
After about 10 minutes of being awake and laying still, a nurse walked in. I tried to sit up, finding I could move just fine. I expected to be at least a little hurt. Oh yeah, the whole accelerated healing thing. That wasn't going to work in what I was thinking of as my favor.
The nurse stood near the head of the bed, holding a small clipboard and a tool to take blood pressure. "I'm going to just check on you, lay back and hold still." My mind tuned out and my body was all but completely limp as she monitored me and made sure I was functioning properly.
Once she did I was alone again. I felt numb, my entire body was nothing. All I could experience was what was around me. It was disorienting, wrong, and I felt...just empty. Like I didn't even exist. It was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge it.
And then, naturally, the worst possible voice for me to hear.
My brother.
Would I try to fake being asleep? Would I just refuse to talk to him? How would I dull the blow this conversation was going to deal?
"Yukio..." Ani's voice sounded so...tired. And saddened. Like everything that'd happened recently was weighing on him as much as it was me.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything, just swallow and clench one of my fists. That reminded me how real everything was as my nails dug into my skin, just barely without breaking it.
"I'm sorry I yelled before. I'm sorry I'm sorry. Don't hate me."
He was worried about me hating him. He thought I'd tried to take my life to get away from him, didn't he? He thought that it was because of him that I hated myself and couldn't stand my own skin. Just more guilt for my shoulders to carry.
"Nii-san don't...this doesn't have anything to do with you. It's my fault. I haven't been strong enough."
"You don't have to be so strong and keep taking on everything by yourself. You're my little brother!"
I swallowed again, my dry throat unhelped by the saliva rolling down it. For a moment I didn't, couldn't, reply. Rin didn't understand. He didn't know how much I had to take on the burdens of our family, of our adoptive father and of our mother and of he himself. "I am...but that doesn't make me any less responsible. I am responsible for you, and I can't hate you."
This wasn't true, actually. I knew that I hated Rin. I always had, I'd resented him. But I loved my brother far more than I could hate him. My true hatred was reserved for myself. I hated myself infinitely more than I hated Rin or loved myself.
I'd never tell him any of this, except perhaps the last part. Eventually.
"Don't keep hiding away from the people who love you, Yukio! I just want to help, but all you do is hide from me!"
"I'm not hiding from you. I'm just trying to protect you from me."
"I don't need protecting anymore if I ever did."
"Obviously you do. I'm still an exorcist and you're still just an exwire." My voice had grown stronger. I knew what I was saying now, and it wasn't just about me.
"And who's fault is that?"
He was playing that card. Of course. It was my fault that he wasn't allowed to cheat the rules and become an exorcist sooner. It was my fault that he had had his life endangered by the organization our father had devoted his life to before I had my own.
"Nii-san, if you're done talking, I'd like to...to be alone."
I saw Rin's face fall. He'd forgotten to be sad for a moment to argue with me, and now he remembered.
"I'm going to be back. But I guess having me around isn't what you need right now."
