Affinity

November 15, 2015

It wasn't until I was sitting down in front of my mother, nervously fidgeting with the envelopes from the mail we got today, that I felt my heartbeat in my ears and the sweat starting to build on my forehead. My mother, who was in the middle of cooking dinner, had already asked me if I was okay at least two or three times within the ten minutes I had been in the kitchen. I watched as she put the carrots she had just seasoned in the oven, washed her hands, and eventually plopped herself down in the chair across from mine at the kitchen table.

"How was practice? Did Lucy drive you home again?" she asked, moving her glasses to the bridge of her nose as she stared, confused, at her phone. I continued to repeatedly fold one of the envelopes I had been fiddling with.

"Yeah, she had to get gas so she came this way because that CITGO down the street has really cheap gas right now. Said near her house it was almost three bucks," I said quickly, looking up at her nervously before moving my eyes back to the table.

"Are you sure she doesn't mind driving you home all these days? Do you offer her gas money? Because what, she lives like fifteen minutes from here, right? It's not like she's right around the corner," she said, setting her phone down at the table and finally looking at me. "Saoirse, what on earth is going on? You look like you've seen a ghost, honey. Do you feel alright?" My eyes finally met hers, and I immediately started crying, heaving in front of her.

"Woah—" She immediately stood up from where she was and came around to the other side of the table. She sat not directly next to me, her hand now on my shoulder.

By this point, I was crying so hard that it was becoming harder and harder for me to breathe a full breath. My mother pulled me into her arms and just held me. "Look, you don't have to tell me what's wrong, honey, but you do need to take a few deep breaths, okay? Come on."

My head was pounding, my heart was pounding, and I couldn't see straight. When I imagined how this would go, I definitely didn't expect to break this quickly. I didn't even get a word out, I barely looked at her before immediately panicking. However, I tried to do as she said and sucked in a few shallow breaths before sitting back in my seat again. My mother looked at me, concerned and empathetic, her hand still on my shoulder.

"Can you just let me know that you're okay, Saoirse? And I'll let it be, I just want to know that you're safe," she told me. I nodded and violently wiped my face that was now completely wet with tears.

"Lucy and I are dating," I blurted out quickly, not even thinking twice about what I was saying. Not following the script that I had written out on paper and in my head a million and one times over again. Not following any of the advice I had gotten from friends. I just said it. And I instantly felt like I was going to regret it. I started crying again, except this time it was less panicked and anxious, and more sad and disappointed.

It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my chest—just being able to say it. But at the same time, I felt a whole different type of weight, a heavier type of weight than I had ever felt. My lifelong pursuit of making the people around me proud, and being successful in what I did, whether it was sports or school didn't come close to this type of pressure and anxiety. I had just exposed myself for something that I had been hiding for a year now, and had honestly planned on hiding for way longer than that. It had just been eating me alive. Within the last few weeks, I hadn't been able to look at my mother without wanting to break down just as I did when I finally decided today was the day.

"Oh, honey," she sighed, pulling me into her arms again. She held me tightly—maybe tighter than she ever had before. "Saoirse—" She pulled away from our hug and put her hands on my knees, looking me directly in the eyes. I wiped them quickly to be able to look at her. "Don't be silly. I hope that you know there is absolutely nothing you could tell me that would make me love you any less, okay? I'm sorry that you were so scared to tell me. The beautiful thing about life, Saoirse, is that you don't get to choose who you fall in love with, honey. As long as you are happy, safe, and okay, I'm okay."