Look at the stars at night. Try counting them. There might be thousands of them. No, not just thousands. Millions. Billions. Billions of them. Billions of them whose appearance resembles much of a piece of a streak of light divided into an infinite number of parts... I really don't know. There are billions of them in which one looks exactly like the other. It's really indeed hard to distinguish one from the other.
No, I don't want to stress the number of stars we see at night. It is in our science books. Encyclopedias. If I can still remember my sixth-grade astronomy lesson, Alpha Centauri is the nearest star next to the sun. Again, I really don't know.
But here's one thing I want to stress out here.
Feelings.
Emotions.
Stars.
Feelings and emotions under the stars.
Yes, we all have those. Unheard feelings. Misunderstood emotions. These are what most people take us granted for.
And now, I realized, they have the same quantity as the stars.
I loved her. But I never knew if she loved me back.
I was on the same spot where I confessed my feelings for her. Here, under the stars. Above us were the limitless number of those pieces of divided streaks of light, the quantity left hanging.
All I knew was I said "I love you", then blackout.
The next thing I knew, I was on a four-corner room filled with no color but white. The mixed smell of alcohol, blood, and other medical paraphernalia filled the place. And then, I knew it, I was on the hospital.
Before opening my eyes, I heard my parents crying out loud to the doctor, saying things such as "I don't want my son undergo chemotherapy" and "radiation" and "remission" and other terms. I suddenly felt that feeling that my ears were trying to evade those terminologies my brain was trying to digest.
Cancer. Leukemia. Cancer of the blood. Abnormal number of white blood cells. Estimated time left to live: 7 months
But it was not the cancer I was really worried at. I was worried for Elisa, my girl. I was starting to be pessimistic of her feelings for me if she really knew my condition.
Once again, I am here on this spot. This spot which is under the stars. My realizations were right. Just like the stars, the number of them, we have unspoken feelings. Misheard emotions. But what can we do? The world is unfair. We are the only ones who are fair to ourselves. Look at the stars. Try talk to them. Maybe they'll listen.
Look at the stars at night. Try counting them. There might be thousands of them. No, not just thousands. Millions. Billions. Billions of them.
As I am here, under the stars. I am ready to end everything. The pain. The unheard emotions. The misunderstood feelings. The first out of the last Seven months is not very late to end my life, isn't it?
Especially now that I am here, under the stars.
