Cries left Yuqi as Hyunjin pulled her out of the room.
They had woken to Felix coding, Hyunjin had started doing chest compressions when on call staff came in, that is when he had to pull the older out.
"Yuqi, please, they need to work, you can't be in there," he said, trying to reason with her.
Both of them had been through numerous codes, but this was different this was their friend, this was someone they had known for years.
Hyunjin loosened his hold when Yuqi stopped trying to get into the room, but everything fell apart.
The doctor turned around and shook her head.
"No, no, no..." sobs racked through Yuqi, the only thing holding her up was Hyunjin.
Hyunjin was numb. He was supposed to feel something, right? He was supposed to be sad.
Maybe, he was supposed to be angry?
Angry that Felix didn't do the stupid surgery, Angry that he had realised what wad happening sooner. Angry that Felix didn't fight a little harder.
He was just so numb.
-
Days following were difficult.
Preparations had to be made and Hyunjin was trying his best to help, especially since Yuqi and Felix's sisters were having a hard time.
"Is everything okay?"
Felix's cousin Chan had come into town to help.
Hyunjin took a breath, "Ah, I just don't know what to do," he said.
"What do you mean?" Chan questioned.
"He was always there at work and I guess I don't really know how it'll be without him. I never really thought I'd ever lose him,"
Chan patted Hyunjin's arm, "I don't think any of us realised how different it would be without him. We have yearly family reunions and he was like a battery of joy and fun. He loved playing with the little ones. We always thought that one year he would just show up with a kid and tell us he adopted,"
Hyunjin chuckled, "When he wasn't on-call, he would go to the pediatric wing and bring cookies and brownies. He would even do it after he had long shifts,"
"You know he was almost married once," Chan mentioned.
"No, I didn't. I knew he was in a serious relationship but I never knew he was almost married," Hyunjin said.
"Yeah, it was about six years ago. The guy was really sweet his name was Jeongin. He was with Felix through all the long study hours and nights at the library. He proposed and that was probably the happiest I'd seen Felix at the time.
They were going to get married after Felix's residency, but something happened and Felix called off the engagement. It hadn't been until he started his residency that I found out why, that was probably the happiest I saw him. When he talked about working with you he just lit up like the stars in the night,"
Every ounce of sorrow that Hyunjin had been holding in hit him like a truck.
Tears fell down his cheeks as he cried softly.
He was so heartbroken, so dejected, but he was also furious, so irate.
Not with Felix, he doesn't think he'd ever have it in him to be upset with the younger. He was just so mad himself.
Maybe, if he had realised sooner things would be different. Maybe if he realised how he felt sooner this would be different.
Maybe instead Felix would be here and be okay.
"It's not your fault Hyunjin," Chan said hugging the younger.
It was like he knew what Hyunjin was thinking.
"If Felix wanted to hide something from you, he'd do it and you'd never find. He wanted to hide his feeling because he saw you happy, he didn't want the surgery because he didn't want to lose those memories.
As much as you, myself, and everyone else wished he took the surgery, he made the decision he wanted and we have to respect that. We remember him and just cherish those memories no matter how hard it will be,"
Hyunjin let go of Chan and took a deep breath.
"Uhm, I am going to go to the bathroom before we have to go in, I'll meet you in there," Hyunjin said.
Chan nodded, "I'll see you in there,"
The brunet nodded and stood up and went to the bathroom.
He looked at himself in the mirror and pressed his lips together. His cheeks were blotchy and eyes bloodshot from crying.
Turning on the cold water he splashed some on his face, then dried it with a paper towel.
Chan was right all they had to do was remember Felix and cherish the memories they had.
He held the paper towel to his mouth as he coughed.
When he pulled the paper towel away bright purple petals fell to the floor.
Hyunjin took deep breath and picked up the fallen petals.
Was this what he deserved for not realising sooner?
