The Thoughts I Have Throughout the Day

The Day I Fell in Love

I don't remember the date, but I remember when I thought he was the one. It was some time in mid/late March. You see, I've always been overweight, so boys never liked me. Even the ones that looked like me didn't like me. I only had one class with him, and he made my day even better. He would talk to me, he would make me smile and actually try to do good so that I could impress him. He used to sit next to me with every chance he got and sneakily put his hand on my thigh under the table so that the teacher wouldn't yell at us. Of course, I consented to it, I was fine with it because I thought he loved me. I was too shy to actually confess, so I had a friend do it for me. Mad kudos to her. He responded, not rejecting me, but not accepting me either. He said he was confused. I cried that night because I too, was confused. I thought 'Why would he talk to me the way he does and touch me the way he does if he doesn't know?' My mother always told me that boys were stupid, and God, was she right. But, being the naive vessel of flesh and blood that I am, I waited for him to figure it out despite friends telling me to just let it go. I wish I listened to them... And so I waited, and waited, and waited. I wouldn't shut up about him. I hope that my friends aren't too annoyed with me. And so on one fine Saturday afternoon in JUNE, he finally figured it out and said he liked me too. I cried tears of happiness. We talked for a while, and then he stopped. "Maybe it was just bad timing" or "Maybe he's busy" He doesn't have a phone, so I had to rely on pondering thoughts and jolts of excitement to see if he actually read what I sent him in our Google Chat. I sent him something every day. Writing it out now, I sound clingy, but it's not like it was every five seconds. I know that he doesn't get notified immediately.

I made a mistake one day. I said "I love you" one too many times, and he told me that it lost its value in his heart, even with panicked reassurance, and a near panic attack that I already fucked up my relationship before it even really started. He said he'd get over it. I try not to tell him now, scared that he'll remind me again. "Why is he like this?" I had been so excited about my new relationship that I told nearly all of my friends. They were excited that I finally got the man of me dreams. Sure, there are those hater friends, but they were right... He wanted to keep me a secret so that people wouldn't "sabotage" what we had. I had believed him because that's how one of my little flicks ended. But that's a different story for a different time. I've been depressed ever since. Why can't I just get the love I want? I don't need another guy to treat me how my dad does. I need someone who is excited to be around me who isn't a total douche-fest. Being a woman is hard.

Alright, and the yap is over. Thank you for reading if you did, and please don't worry, I will be okay. So long and goodnight - Orchid