The Thoughts I Have Throughout the Day

The Beginning of the End

So... I did it. I broke up with him... He took it well, I guess. I don't think he even really cared. I saw it coming. I knew we wouldn't last, and just knowing that I was right all along hurts. "Was it my fault?" Most would say no, it's not my fault. "But it is, you were too clingy, while he wanted to keep it chill or something" I just wanted love.. That's all I've ever wanted. That's all I've ever needed... With school being over, and my thoughts able to roam from being better to myself, and having a great summer, I'm falling into another phase of depression. Last time I locked myself in my room and would hardly come out. I can't do that now or else my mother will think I'm trying to k*ll myself again, and I have other responsibilities like going to Church and Bible study. Why can't I just be happy about it? Why am I still in love with him? I shouldn't care about him anymore, and yet I do... I fear I've become obsessed. It's not good for me, that I know, but I feel like I need him. Maybe I will k*ll myself if I don't stop, but I can't. How did it get this bad? Is it because he's a boy? The first boy to ever give me the attention that I desired? There will be others... Right? "Maybe, maybe not... Although, we both know that nobody cares. If you can't love yourself, then nobody will love you or whatever your mother says" and yet, I still have some fucked up hope that he'll apologize and try to come back. He won't. I know he won't. What is it with me and obsessing over total douchebags? I'll never understand it.

I want to be free. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to live, and I haven't for a while. I want my father, my real father. The one I'll never see. I wonder, will I go to Hell? Will I be looking up at my father while he's up in Heaven while I'm burning in Hell? I feel like I'm in Hell already. Constant thoughts going through my head a million times a second. What have I done to deserve this? Have I sinned and this is how God is punishing me? What lesson an I learning? "Don't immediately fall in die hard love over some boy who touched your body before saying "I love you""? Yeah. Lesson learned, will probably repeat... I really need to see a therapist...

And that's my bullshit shpeal of the day. Thank you for reading. So long and goodnight - Orchid