That Girl

Alpha Xi Delta

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Marcilene~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   I anxiously shifted in my seat as I rapidly tapped my phone screen again, the screen coming to life. The bold white numbers 18:45 at the top of my screen made my leg bounce faster. I had been waiting here since 6:15 waiting for my group. We had agreed to meet on the third floor of our campus' library to begin sketching out an idea of how we were going to conduct our project study. 

   I impulsively checked our group chat messages to reassure myself that 6:30 was truly the time we had agreed to meet. There it was, on my screen, blue and grey text boxes voicing their agreeance for the evening meeting time. I had shown up fifteen minutes early out of habit. Years of marching band had taught me if you're not early - then you're late.  

   Well, honestly, it wasn't only my general anxiety about being late to events that encouraged me to arrive so early. It was also the constant rising hope that I would get to see her. Vanessa Rosario.

   In high school she was my gay awakening. I had always checked out girls, respectively of course; thought they were hot. But all straight girls did that, right? No sweetie, you are very much gay. Straight women don't desire to kiss other women. 

   When I first met her, we had our own little game of "shouldda had a V8". Every time her body would touch mine, my skin would light up in flames. And no, it was not because most of the time the contact our bodies made was due to her slapping my forehead. It wasn't a painful burn, but more of a warm burn. Like the kind of warmth you feel standing next to a burning bonfire on a cold November night. 

   As that short time with her had passed by, I found myself wondering about her. Before school I would fantasize about lunch time; which would be the first time in the day that I'd get to talk to her. In class I would watch the clock, counting down the minutes until I would be able to sneak up on her again. In theater class I would find myself distracted by her honey toned skin. After school I would wonder to myself what she was doing. The fleeting idea of asking for her number at school the next day would always be drowned out by the thought of her probably thinking I was annoying.

   Due to comphet ideologies being forced upon me, at the fault of living in a small town, it took me way too long to realize I was trapped in the closet. Eventually I realized the rush I would feel around her was caused by the butterflies taking flight in my stomach. The reason I just couldn't focus on any schoolwork while around her was because I was just too attracted to the shape of her body. Every inch absolute perfection to me. And the burning fear of her imagined rejection was deriving from my desperate desire for her to feel the same way about me. 

   Just as soon as I realized I was gay, she had lost interest in me. I first noticed her sudden change in emotion towards me one day in theater class. I had been playing truth or dare with some of the cast members when one of them dared me to sit on another cast member's lap. It was a guy, and I was disgusted. But mama ain't raise no bitch. Seeing as it wasn't something as extreme as kissing the guy, I was able to stomach my vomit enough to barely sit on his knees. 

   I was not only uncomfortable, but also revolted. Sign number two that I was very much gay. As bad as timing could be, that's when she saw me. She looked at me with such hatred in her eyes that I felt like I was going to light up in flames on the spot. Burn to a crisp. After that she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't look at me. I became too scared to try and start up our "shouldda had a V8" game; and she never initiated it herself ever again.