To Be Alive At All Is To Have Scars (Kakashi Hatake x Iruka Umino)

Chapter Seven

After the date at the ramen stand, Kakashi comes home to his sad, empty home and groans upon locking the door shut behind him. Frustrated, he goes around his apartment, making sure all of the windows are locked and that everything is the same as it was when he left.

The last thing he needs right now is some rando trying to kill him or steal his Sharingan.

It definitely wouldn't be the first time.

Once he's done doing his little security routine, Kakashi takes his shirt, mask, shoes, socks, and pants off, and lies on his bedroom floor in his boxers. The ice cold wood feels pleasant against the massive scar on his back.

"I'm an idiot," Kakashi sighs and stares up at the off white ceiling. His apartment is so old that the paint is chipping. He really should settle down with someone and move into a nice home... Not that that would ever work out for him, but it's a pleasant thought... Freshly painted walls, no loud neighbors, maybe somewhere rural enough that he wouldn't have to worry about a potential home invasion on a daily basis, a big backyard on the off chance that they could have a kid or two... "God, I hate myself."

Seconds after, Kakashi hears familiar footsteps padding into the room. Pakkun joins him and lays on his chest, his wet nose brushing against the bottom of Kakashi's chin.

"Yeah, and?" Pakkun snarks.

Kakashi sits himself up on his elbows and ignores the pain in his back to stare down at Pakkun disapprovingly.

"You're not supposed to agree, you're supposed to say 'wow, Kakashi, what's got you so down on yourself?'."

"Okay," Pakkun responds with a roll of his big brown eyes. "Wow, Kakashi, what's got you so down on yourself?"

"Thank you for asking," Kakashi sarcastically muses. "I... Went on a date with Iruka today. He asked and I agreed to it without even thinking- I mean, it was an impulse decision. I probably could've twisted it into a friendly outing and still went, but I flirted with him the entire time... And there's no taking it back now. How embarrassing."

"And? What's wrong with that? It sounds like you had a good time. The kid's your soulmate, isn't he? You've liked him for a while. Dating is the next logical step and you're acting like this is the end of the world. This isn't an Icha Icha novel, you know."

"It's... He still doesn't know that we're soulmates. Even if I tell him and he does forgive me for hiding it from him for so long, what then? I can't be in a relationship, Pakkun. I'll ruin it like I've ruined everything else in my life... Either that or he'll go and die on me like everyone else did."

"That's dramatic," Pakkun huffs. "What are you, Sasuke?"

"Can you just listen and give me some advice?" Kakashi quietly snaps.

"Fine, fine. Continue."

"I'm afraid that if we choose to be together, he'll be killed just like everyone else."

"And that's a risk you have to take in this shinobi world, my friend. People you become close with are bound to die in your line of work," Pakkun lays it out flat. He doesn't seem remotely phased when Kakashi gives him an incredulous stare. "And? What if you don't choose to be with him, what then? You'll still be miserable, just like you would be if he died. You being near him won't control whether he lives or dies, you know. How much would you regret it if he died on duty before you got to tell him the truth? That's more life ruining than the alternative."

"You're right, but..."

"No, there's no buts in this situation. You're just making excuses because you've dug yourself into a hole," Pakkun pushes. "Your father would hate to see you miserable like this. Get yourself together and do what's right."

And, before Kakashi can even respond, Pakkun gets up and pads out of the room.

~

The next morning, Kakashi drags himself to go training with Naruto and Yamato despite everything on his mind. The day goes by slow, but it does go by eventually. Yamato is the first to leave- he used to be the last, but ever since he's been dating Guy, he's been rushing to get off work as soon as he can every day to go meet up with the man. It's a little annoying, but Kakashi knows he can't judge him for it. Iruka would probably be the same way... If he knew, that is.

After Yamato leaves, Kakashi and Naruto remain at the training grounds together, eating bento meals on the grass in comfortable silence until Kakashi speaks.

"Naruto, you asked me a couple weeks ago if I knew who my soulmate was. So I can't help but wonder, do you know who yours is?"

"Nah, haven't got a clue," Naruto answers with his mouth full of food. Even after so many years of being Kakashi's student, he still hasn't developed basic table manners. Grains of rice fall into his lap and onto the grass because he's so sloppy with his chopsticks, but of course, he doesn't notice them. "Neither of us have any scars that I've seen."

"I can't help but notice how nonchalant you're being about this," Kakashi points out. Most people, especially kids and teenagers like Naruto, are desperate to find their soulmates, even setting aside time to look or injuring themselves on purpose in a visible spot to hope that it'll bring them closer to discovering who their soulmate is. "It doesn't bother you?"

"No point in worrying about it, right? I know I'll find them soon! Believe it!" Naruto exclaims between bites. "Trust me, I've seen Iruka-Sensei worrying about who his soulmate is my entire life- that's no way to live, y'know?"

Suddenly, Kakashi is struck by a pang of guilt. He's been feeling a lot of those lately...

"Right..." Kakashi clears his throat. "Say, Naruto, can I ask you something else?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Hypothetically, if your soulmate knew that you were their soulmate but didn't tell you... Would you be angry with them for hiding it from you?"

"Well, I don't know. Why were they hiding it from me? This is kind of a dumb scenario," Naruto scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"I guess I hadn't thought of that. Let's say your soulmate has a lot of personal issues and a fear of commitment. On top of that, they tend not to get close to people because they have a very dangerous line of work."

"Then... I'd be mad at first, but I'd probably forgive them if they were honest about it," Naruto says while finishing his food. He closes up his bento box and packs it away in his bag. "I guess I'd just be upset at them over all the lost time. You never know when they could... Well, y'know."

'Die', Kakashi thinks, finishing Naruto's sentence for him in his head.

"Right."

"Kakashi," Naruto starts up again. "I don't think it's fair for you to lie to whoever it is you're talking about."

Kakashi sputters. Either he's gotten terrible at lying or Naruto is oddly perceptive. Maybe it's both. He can never tell if Naruto is unusually wise for his age despite his immaturity, or if the kid possesses a ridiculous amount of common sense about some things to make up for the lack of it he has for others.

"I-"

"I'm not stupid, y'know! They've probably been looking for you for a long time! It's not just on you to make the choice about how things should go for you guys."

"...You're right," Kakashi sighs. "Thank you for opening my eyes, Naruto... I'll try to tell him the truth."

"Ooh, ooh, do I get to know who it is!?" Naruto beams. "I can help you!"

"Absolutely not. Now, go home, I'm sure Iruka will get worried about you if you stay out too late."

"Oh, right," Naruto grins and offers Kakashi a wave. "See you tomorrow, then!"