I try to hide the pain,
From you, from them,
From everyone.
Though I did not succeed.
Do you remember that day,
The day I burst out crying?
And you looked at me and asked me as if you had no idea,
"Why are you crying?"
So I went along with your little charade,
And I said "I don't know, I have no clue"
Did you know, I did know why?
That I was lying?
Would you like to know why I lied?
The reason why I burst out crying that day was:
You.
You were the reason I was bawling that day.
Why? you may ask.
I will tell you the reason.
Do you know every time you yell at me:
"why can't you listen, Why can't you do anything right"
or when you call me a name I was never given,
It kills me inside, Mom, you kill me inside.
And they are the reason too,
when they tell me I'm weird,
I'm annoying, I'm ugly,
sometimes they say,
"Oh, I was just kidding, It was a joke" afterwards,
But, that does not fix the hole they dug in my heart
In that special place I keep for them,
Every one of them.
My sisters, they kill me too,
Little by little each of you kill me.
My family,
Those people whom are meant to keep you whole and safe from the outside world.
And did you know thats not all,
Those other two important people,
Him, my Father, the one to helped to birth me, he thinks I'm a burden,
What you don't know is,
I think it too,
NO erase that,
I KNOW I'm a burden,
To all of you.
After all why would, He,
My Daddy, not by birth but by time, by choice,
Why would he leave me.
Leave Us, why would he not talk to me willingly,
Why would he not come when I need him, Ever.
I know you say
"I'm the reason why, he never loved me, he only loves you",
But, if he only loved us,
Why wouldn't he try,
Try to ignore you and play,
hang out, with us,
with me, his true kids.
But none of this matters because,
No matter what you do,
No matter the wounds,
I will patch them up.
With fake smiles and laughts,
Tell you "I'm fine"
Try and have it last.
I have gotten better you see,
Since that day of weakness.
I hide it better,
Haven't cried since,
Not in secret or the open.
I have gotten better you see.
Maybe I will finnally be free,
Free of emotion, the real not fake.
Maybe I will be able to show,
The fake smiles and laughts,
Without,
Dying inside.
