Muse.

Above the Clouds

I fall away from a bad dream. Soon nothing remains but a tightness in my chest. I come to, hot and sticky with sweat. I check my phone, 5:43 p.m. I slept much later and much deeper than I intended.

The rain slips down my window. I leave my bed and open the window, sticking out my hand to feel it. The droplets cool my skin. The water soothes me. The crisp thin air permeates my lungs. The last remnant of my daymare, some untethered feeling of fear subsides. Relief works quickly through my system. I exhale long and sweet. My breath comes out steam.

In the mirror I see my face reddened with heat and sleep. I splash water from the porcelain sink against my skin. Much better. The antique silver faucet creaks as I turn it off. I fold my hands into the butter soft towel.

I text Armin: Can you come to my room?

I don a hoodie and track pants. It is not so charming anymore to wear only Eren's clothes. I glare into the mirror at his curated streetwear hanging off my frame. His green track pants sag off my ankles. I roll the waist twice and tie the waist taut.

A few minutes later, Armin's knock sounds.

I open the door to him. "Hey."

"Hi," he says. He hesitates in the doorway.

I sweep my hand, asking him silently in. He obliges, and I close the door behind him. He sits on the tufted vanity pouf, hands sliding in to place on his spread knees. I sit down on the end of the bed.

"So..what's up," he asks.

"I don't feel good."

"Is it your head or your stomach?"

I shake my head.

"Cramps?"

"No. It's nothing like that, nothing physical. I just don't feel good.. in my body. I don't know what's going on with me, but I..." My voices shrinks to nothing. "I want to get out."

"Is everything ok?" He asks, taking a step towards me. Tender concern paints his face painfully pretty.

"I don't know. I just feel..trapped. I can't drive. I can't walk anywhere. I'm a guest here, and I don't feel obliged to anything."

"You're obliged to everything," Armin protests, reaching for my hands.

I withdraw them. I hardly know why I did it. Really it was my body that did it, not me.

He gives me back my space. His eyes show concern and calculation.

"I know you say that...but still. I want to get out. Please. Will you take me?"

"Of course, yes."

We take Eren's car. I play my music through his bluetooth. I don't think of whether Armin will like it.

[Soundtrack: Siegfried by Frank Ocean]

I sink down in the seat and watch the rain drops run into one another down the side of my window as the wind blows them backwards. The day dies a quiet death behind the rain clouds. I do not mourn it.

My thoughts writhe. The feeling I have is hard to explain. I feel far away from myself.

I glance at Armin. One hand guides the wheel. The other taps thumb and fingers interchangeably against his thigh, to a beat way faster than the music. There is a slight dampness of sweat in the hair near his temples. He drinks from his bottle of mineral water frequently. I'm not sure if he's doing ok.

The narrow climbing road runs into a white wall of cloud. Nothing but milky white behind the glass of my window. The wet black pavement is swallowed by froth.