Irhaboggle Pride (2024) Pride Fourever

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

"I could've crushed them all like roaches!" God snarled. A second later, though, his stormy countenance calmed, and so too did his voice. "However, I did not. And do you know why?" He did not wait for the angels to answer. "Civility. I am... so much better than that filthy piece of shit! Down there!" He pointed a pudgy, persecutory finger at the floor, and all the angels went wild, screaming, clapping, and cheering.

The cries of then harmonized with the cries of now as Cora stood in the center of Heaven's halls, surrounded by chaos on all sides. Red lights flashed in time with sirens that blared overhead, calling for war on behalf of YHWH, the Tetragrammaton. Even though Cora was in Heaven, she felt disgust for both sides. She stared down at the shiny, smooth, polished floor, sadness in her blue-gray eyes.

"June...?" What they said about "praying the gay away" was horse feathers. Cora had been praying for decades now, and she was still a little bit in love with the other woman, fallen angel. And she dare not grow close to anyone else. Eternity was going to be such a long, lonely time... Would she and June ever see one another again, even after so many years apart? She knew it wouldn't end well for either of them either way...
A high-pitched whinny split the air and Cora looked over her shoulder just in time to see four huge horses pounding through Heaven's hallowed halls. Angels and applicants alike flung themselves to the sides, parting like the red sea for Moses, everyone desperate to dive out of the way. The four riders of the four horses didn't seem like they were going to stop for anyone, except YHWH. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...

Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, "Come." I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering.

The first horse to come burst down the stairs was pure white, almost blindingly so. Cora could barely make out the warrior-rider on top of the majestic beast, the noble steed. But then through the shining light, Cora saw dark skin and knew him immediately. The Librarian! As he rode by, their eyes locked, and Cora felt her breath catch in her chest. Even though they only held gazes for a moment, it felt like its own eternity. His dark eyes flashed gold, authoritative and disapproving, but soft only for her. His songs of her old applicant days echoed in her head.

"Cast 1, kept as pets. Cast 2, steer the flock. Cast 3, plumes and pelts. Cast 4, birds of song. Cast 5, watching dogs. Cast 6, preying beasts. Cast 7, working horses." One by one they fell in line to maintain order by the Book and the Four Gospels. Flank to flank and facing forward, they hung by the word; Matthew, Mark, Luke, John. Even though the Librarian was Cast 2, a teacher of sorts, he was also incredibly strong and strict, a rule-enforcer. That was why he was one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

This was a long-time coming, since Adam and Eve were first forced to leave the four rivers of Eden, necessitating Christ's sacrifice on the cross, another four. Even as the Librarian rode past Cora, she could feel and hear the power and rumble of his horse's hooves' thunder. It was accurate representation of the man himself. Time slowed down, and he raised a finger to his lips, and then he was gone.

When He broke the second seal, I heard the second living creature saying, "Come." And another, a red horse, went out; and to him who sat on it, it was granted to take peace from Earth, and that men would slay one another; and a great sword was given to him.

Cora gasped. There was not one rider on the red horse, but two! Two angels conjoined at the hip! Four arms and two heads... While the right hand of one and left hand of the other held onto the reins, the left hand of one and right hand of the other wielded black police clubs.

"That's a translation, ya heard it?!" The first voice crowed. It was low and feminine, nasally and "New Yawky".

"I heard it!" The second voice, in perfect counterpoint, cawed. It was high and masculine, equally "New Yawky". They raised their clubs, and the clubs grew longer and longer... Then they turned into column of fire. While the onlookers gasped and looked away, dazzled just as they were with the first rider, Translators Batez and Bentz had eyes only for each other. In fact, part of the reason they were steering so poorly was because they were too busy cracking jokes with each other as they went a-thunderin' along.

"—so then he said "No way!" And then I said—!"

"Yahweh!" They both cackled as their horse continued to careen around the hallways, scattering the angels again. Maybe it was on purpose. Maybe Heaven's police force was only using feigned incompetence as another excuse to abuse their power without any consequences of their own. Cora wouldn't put it past them anymore. Maybe they acted goofy, but their actions were anything but. They cackled and sneered as their free hands slid into their mouths, pulling out pieces of gum. They proceeded to swap the pieces with one another, riding down to Hell and howling all the way.

When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard something like a voice in the center of the four living creatures speaking.

"The Watchword!" Cora gasped. With a flash of his annoying little "click, click" camera, bad memories from her applicant days washed over her. There was the creepy way he used to look at her and June. The way he blackmailed and harassed her into silence about her sexuality.

"I know your secret...!" he'd sing-songed tauntingly. Her crush on June, that was what he was referring to. Even all these decades later, Cora's skin still crawled whenever he was near. That disgusting old man was more rat than reporter!

"A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius; but do not damage the oil and the wine," his creaky old voice muttered as he rode past, scribbling in a notepad, voice perfect for old-timey radio broadcasts late at night as he helped command the Heavenly host.

Cora waited for the fourth and final Horsemen of the Apocalypse to ride by, but... he never did. The first three were long gone, the scattered angels and applicants slowly returning to their duties now that the fanfare was over. Did none of them notice, or care, about this mysterious absence? Or perhaps they were good little children of God, knowing not to question the Holy Tetragrammaton.

Cora couldn't help but wonder. She knew her Gospel well. She'd read the Scriptures inside and out! And this... This was not part of the story...? Where is Death? What does this mean, that he is not yet with the other three riders? The pale and ashen horse with Hades following after!

Alone in his workshop at the very top of Heaven, the tallest tower and highest floor, YHWH sat at his workbench, fingers steepled. "You motherfucking worthless creature may think you have bested me! Taking my best away from me!" He cursed his original creation. Never mind that he was the one who sent the Agent—His top angel—to Hell in the first place! The Tetragrammaton sure had a thing for sending everyone else into danger before himself despite being allegedly all-powerful.

"Who will be left to wipe his royal ass once he's kicked everyone out of the kingdom?"

YHWH slammed his firsts down hard on his worktable. The sound was like thunder, and even those on Earth and in Hell heard it, lightning flashing once in the sky to match the single roll of thunder. Those in Heaven trembled in awe and fear before the almighty wrath of YHWH. Down below, the Devil laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.