the princess' viscount|| anthony bridgerton

5

anthony's pov
ella. she's returned to us. returned to me. and god is she beautiful. she's got it all wrong. i did cheat. but i...didn't want to. i hardly even remember it. my mind hazy and my actions even moreso. the only reason siena was at the house was to talk to her about singing at our wedding. i offered her a drink as a curtesy. and i had one too. i only had one drink. a scotch i've had thousands of times. the effect stronger than ever. i had no control on my actions or words after that.

i truly didn't. she left and it took a bit but i snapped out of it and absolutely hated myself. hated her. she fucking drugged me. she had to have. i was wondering where my love is and then benedict snapped at me. told me she was gone and it was all my fault because i couldn't keep my prick in my pants. i do not and did not love siena. i didn't know her enough to feel anything remotely close for her. ever the best friend benedict tried to stall me. i wanted to explain. tell her what truly happened. that the words i said weren't for sienna. if i remember correctly i said "m gonna marry you ella" even drugged my mind knew i'd only be with ella. except it wasn't. it wasn't her as my hazy and drugged mind believed and it broke her. i got there just to see her leave.

i see her carriage leave and i shout "ELLA WAIT!" running. hoping i can get to her. stop her from leaving. explain. anything. "ELLA!" but she speeds the horses up. i fall to my knees. i lost her. she's gone. she hates me. i wipe the tears that fall and head back. i make my way inside. she never locked up. telling me just how fast she rushed out of here. i find a paper and read it

'anthony,
    if you're reading this i'm already gone. i don't know what benedict's told you but if you don't know i'll tell you. i saw you in bed, a bed we made our own, made plans to marry in, to have babes of our own in, a bed we planned to grow old together in, with another woman. siena. i've never felt a pain in my entire being so strong before. i never thought i could hurt so bad. but here we are. you said you love her and wish to marry her. and you deserve happiness even if it's not with me. even if it means the end of me. because anthony, loving you means the end of me. being without you may very well mean the same for me. you're my first and only love, my only anything. you used me. and society very may well not find me eligible and acceptable so i'll die an alone spinster. you always said you'd hate to see me with someone else. now you won't have to. i'm gone. i'll hopefully find someone who actually loves me. and would not waste my time and throw away my heart the way you have. what does she have? what does she do for you that i could not? these are questions that have run through my mind since i discovered your infidelity. but i realize...you don't deserve these thoughts to run through me. or my aches from your action. fear not you can marry the one you truly want. i left your mothers ring for you.
   see you never
            ella'

i've clutched and cried over that letter many times. replaying that horrid day. siena tried to come into my life fully to try to be my lady and i threatened her away. i've written to ella, to whales, many times begging her forgiveness, begging for an audience with her to explain. she deserves for me to tell her face to face not over a letter, or on the phone. but she never answered. every letter i sent, got answered by her father telling me she left and never even returned home. to stop writing and to leave her be. where else could she have gone? she's the princess of whales. she had to have gone home right? i kept trying, checking to see if she ever went back and according to them...she never did. i asked benedict but he told me he wont tell me anything. i've been in agony. alone. suffering without my love. i never told anyone exactly what happened but they know i cheated. i did cheat. but not by my own accord. she deserves to be the first to know. i don't know if it'd change anything with us but i have to try. i love her. i'll always love her.