Midnights

II

nightmare.

taliyah thompson.

I awake in a cold sweat. My nightmares are usually the same. They've frequented ever since I became sober. I slide out of bed to grab a glass of water. After reliving my trauma while asleep, I've become fucking parched. When I finish gulping down the first glass of water, I pour a second and head to Naiari's room to check on her. I see her silhouette by the light of the butterfly nightlight I bought her, and I start to feel a bit more at peace. With the help of James, I took some time to really decorate her room in the best way I could. Considering throughout her short life, we have shared a room and a bed, she was just happy to have space to call her own.

Crawling back into bed, I glance at the clock, and see that it is only three in the morning, so I decide to journal a bit until I feel tired again. I feel the need to write down the events of my nightmare. My therapist suggested that I write down what I feel when I have them. I always remember them, and they always start the same. It starts with me on my back while he's on top of me. I can't see it, but I'm always able to feel him choking me. I try screaming and fighting back, but I can't. Then I wake up. It's always painful; physically and emotionally I feel damaged.

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My alarm finally goes off. Coincidentally, it's Naiari's first day of kindergarten. I feel so incredibly lucky to have survived life this far, and being able to take her to school while sober is something that I never thought I would be able to do. I'm just nervous. I don't want her to be affected by the fact she's the daughter of a teen mom addict that's suffering from the repercussions of alcoholism. I fear that the other kids in her class may isolate her, or even the parents may encourage their kids to not hang out with Naiari. Unfortunately, I must deal with the fact that my actions will forever affect the way that Naiari is treated in society.

As I walk down the hallway towards her room, I can't help but wonder if she's just as nervous as I am. Opening her bedroom door, I am met with my answer.

"Naiari! You got up and dressed all by yourself, I'm so proud of you!" Despite her best efforts at dressing herself, Naiari managed to put her uniform skirt backwards, and her polo was somehow both backwards and inside out. I admire her wanting to be more independent, but it also makes me sad. How unreliable as a mother have I been?

"Thank you, mommy, but I think I did it wrong," she says while chuckling a bit. I laugh with her.

"Come over here, lemme help you," I say while gesturing for her to come over to me. I as I help her get redressed, I can't help but continue to feel bad for my lack parenting in her life. She already doesn't have a father, so she needs her mother. I need to start being a mother to her. "There you go," I say as I finish helping her tuck her shirt into her skirt. "Now come on so I can do your hair, and then we can eat breakfast!" I then lead her towards the bathroom with the big mirror. I finally get a chance to look at myself for the first time this morning, realizing that she's not the only one who needs to do their hair.

"Mommy look! One of my tooths is wiggling!" I look down to see her wiggling her to front tooth back and forth, reminding me yet again that I had missed all the other milestones in her life. But God am I happy to see that I was able to witness her starting to lose her first tooth.

"Yay! You know what happens when your tooth falls out, right?" She nods with a big smile on her face. "I wonder how much money the tooth fairy will leave you," I say as I grab the hair gel and brush from the bathroom cabinet.

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As we walk hand in hand to the bus stop, I notice Naiari slowing down. I look down to see if she needed to tie her shoe, but instead I find her starting to tear up. "What's wrong honey?" I say as I crouch down to her level, facing her eye to eye.