The Unforgiving Moon

48.

When I woke up the next morning, the pulling tug in my gut was gone. That meant Jerr was, too, and my heart still felt pretty torn.

Jerr and I were mates. I had thought many times about what that meant for us, for me. And I had always gotten to the same conclusion: I had never chosen to fall for him. I had never chosen to love him.

My attachment to him had been imposed on me by a higher force, a cruel one to eternally link me to him.

Just as it had not been my choice to love him then, it wasn't my choice now. I didn't want to feel this hole in my heart every time I thought of him, I did not want to miss him, yearn for him or dream of him.

But I was forced to. 

I sighed in my bed, before I threw the blankets off me and got ready for the new day ahead.

I still hadn't seen Aven since our last fallout, and it was with a trembling heart that I stepped out of the tent and went to retrieve my breakfast.

It was quite early in the morning still, but the pack was very much alive already. Men were hostling around me, their days having started a while ago. Quite a lot of people were gathered for their breakfast, as the smell of fresh Ubos filled the air around me.

Though my bowl of Ubos warmed my hands and the smell was nearly intoxicatingly heavenly, I felt as if I had a brick laying in my stomach which would hinder me from eating.

Because there he was, lost in conversation seated next to Dell and Cailean. I only saw his back, but I would now recognize his night-black head of hair out of thousands, and the familiar build of his body that was still recovering from his time spent in Beckett's dungeons.

I wanted to stay put, and keep out of his line of sight, but a few benches further I spotted Ivy, who eagerly guarded me an empty seat.

I gathered my courage as I walked past Aven, but it was to no avail. As soon as I drew nearer, it was as if he sensed I was coming. He was on high alert, always aware of risks around him. And I was now one of those.

Though his ear remained on Dell, his gaze turned icy as soon as he laid eyes on me.

He clenched his jaws—subtly, for an unassuming bystander it would seem as if he chewed on a particularly hard bit of Ubos, but his bowl was empty and probably had been for a while.

I lowered my eyes to the ground, and nearly skitted to Ivy. I felt Aven's eyes trail me until I had reached my seat.

"Good morning," I greeted Ivy, doing my best to sound as if nothing was wrong.

"Sari, good morning!" she exclaimed, cheerful as ever. As soon as her mouth opened, the words just kept streaming out, like an endless waterfall. The occasional chuckle or nod was enough to satisfy Ivy, though it couldn't keep my mind from running wild.

Did she know about Jerr? Did others in this pack know, too? Were they all treating us as if we were stupid, harboring our enemy right under our nose?

Tymen knew, of that I was sure. He often liked to be cryptic and mysterious, but indiscernible vagueness had not been one of his strengths. His knowledge of Jerr being here had practically been one of the first things he'd hinted at upon our reunion.

So if he knew, who else knew as well? If Dell trusted him with a secret that fragile, I figured there were many others who knew, too, who outranked Tymen.

They were all playing us for fools. My eyes slipped to Aven again, and I found that I instantly stopped chewing when I saw he had not let go of his sight of me, and he was staring at me with daggers dipped in a traitorous poison.