Delta

vi. i don't care

{ picture: rebekah holt; song: i don't care by fall out boy }

Life gradually went back to normal, or whatever I considered normal these days. Hayden and I were friends again, and it wasn't long before we returned to how we were before Hurricane Rebekah blew everything apart. There was still a slight hesitancy between us, though. Ever since that day, something changed, and I wasn't sure if it that was good or bad.

Another downside and upside to our renewed friendship was that I was slowly learning to talk about stuff. Hayden was becoming my confidant, and he was getting annoying about it, too: once I showed him the videos Rebekah & Co. had posted of me, he wouldn't shut up about me telling the principal about it and putting a stop to them once and for all. I finally gave in—although mostly just so he'd shut up about it—and so there we were, walking back to the school to tell Principal McIntyre the truth.

He was walking beside me in a silent sign of support, his frame hunched over against the cold and his hands stuffed in his front jeans pockets. "Question for a question?" he asked suddenly, sounding nervous.

"Sure," I responded, feeling confused and slightly nervous too. "Ask away."

Hayden cleared his throat and fidgeted for a moment, looking uncomfortable as he kept his gaze level with the outline of the school in the distance. "Um... don't take this the wrong way, I was just wondering because you're so skinny and stuff but... are you anorexic?" Hayden finally blurted as the red brick façade of the school came into focus, sneaking glances at me as if to gauge my reaction. "I just... I dunno. I was just wondering. You don't have to answer."

I looked at him, startled. "I... not consciously, no. I don't starve myself or make myself throw up or anything. I just... this depression or whatever it is just kind of doesn't make me all that hungry sometimes," I tried to explain. "If that even makes any sense, which it probably doesn't."

Hayden nodded, clearly relieved. "Okay. I was just wondering."

I nodded back at him absently, but my thoughts were elsewhere. What was I going to tell Mr. McIntyre? What would he say? What if he said nothing? What if Rebekah retaliated? Oh God, what if things just got worse?

Hayden grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently as if he knew what I was thinking about. "Don't worry, Lydia," he said softly. "It'll be okay."

But the thing is that he couldn't know that; he couldn't know if it would get worse or not. I suddenly started to get anxious, the fear seeping into my veins and pumping a rush of adrenaline through my blood. To take my mind off of the oh my God, I'm about to tell the principal that they're bullying me and beating me up and it could get ten times worse, but no big deal. It's not like they'd come after me again or anything, right? Right? I racked my brain for a question. "So... a few days ago, after um, you know, you told me that (and I quote) 'something like this has happened before, and I guess it still sort of stings'. What happened?"

I regretted the question as soon as Hayden winced, his eyes clouding over with something that looked a lot like regret. He sighed, sneaking a quick sideways glance at me before looking down. "Almost a year ago I, uh, had this girlfriend." He still wouldn't look at me, which was good because I was pretty sure I wasn't doing a good job of pretending I wasn't immediately jealous of his ex. Poker face, Lydia, poker face. "Her name was Macy. I kind of really liked her, but apparently she didn't really like me back. She was always nice, but there was always something off about her, you know? Like there was something missing. But I didn't realize that until later.

"I guess what I liked the most about her was how blunt and almost tom-boyish she was—she wasn't weak, she was confident; she spoke her mind, no matter how unpopular her opinion was, and she didn't really care if she got dirt on her hands, so to speak. But I guess it was an act. We dated for three weeks before, um, you-know-what." I found the fact that he was blushing cherry red at the mere implication of sex a little too endearing and adorable. Part of me was really, really tempted to try and force him to say the word 'sex', but I decided to be nice and kept my mouth shut. "The next morning I woke up and she was gone. When I checked my phone she had texted me to say thanks for the night before and that she wanted to break up."