Am I trans? The transgender agenda

Chapter 1

I was one who there were signs I was trans as a kid but was ignored due to trauma from being raised religious. I didn't make the full connection and start accepting myself till I was around 17-18 years old.

Now if you're one who you're finally older and you're starting to question your gender or your a young teen trying figure life out, good news! There's still time.

So when I was a kid I felt like an alien, genuinely, like I was accidentally a body snatcher and freaky Friday'ed my way into someone else's body. I always felt something was wrong inside deep down in my gut, I didn't like boys the way I was told I always would. Never got butterflies and they never hit me to show me they liked me as I was taught like every other AFAB individual in the early 2000s and before. If anything growing up with brothers, any boy who did hit me I'd just hit him back just as hard.

I knew what girls went through with puberty but even during that first puberty video we all watched in school around 5th grade I felt like I was in the wrong room. Sure all the other girls in the room were learning about what their bodies would do but surely MINE wouldn't dare betray me like that? Right? Wrong. I used to hope I was accidentally born without a uterus or something. I remember my brother talking to me about chromosomes once before I hit puberty and I started secretly hoping I was born with a Y chromosome that would suddenly shock us all!

Even during PE when the teacher would tell boys to go to one side girls on the other to separate us, I was definitely one who'd stick around in the middle unsure of what to do. Like I had to be reminded socially I was female but I never understood why I couldn't just BE with the boys and it not be a problem.

Not only that but knowing boys wouldn't accept me fully into their social circles just like my brothers wouldn't, cause I was born a girl and girls aren't boys. I hated my body a LOT and for a long time I thought it was just my weight like I'd be happier if I was skinnier (wrong!).

These things and others got vaulted away in the back of my mind to not be seen again for a few more years. There are some trans people who genuinely do not know they're trans until they meet other trans people and that's sorta what happened to me. Sure as I kid I'd have my confusion but it's not like I could ask my mom "hey why do I feel weird?" So it all got ignored and I was genuinely clueless as to what it all meant. Others go through that and can immediately put their finger on what's wrong to know deep down oh hey I don't have the right body.

Anyways black out my childhood a little longer till freshman year of high school 2016 when gay marriage was finally legalized in the US and there was also a bill called TITLE X which let trans people use correct bathrooms. I made a presentation on a social issue of my choice in school and for some reason I chose this bill. I believe after it passed it almost immediately got UNpassed and thrown out again. For some reason this didn't sit right with me as I felt it was unjust! Trans people gotta pee too! Let them use the right bathroom right?

My brother saw my presentation and asked if I was trans, even raising an eyebrow comically in confusion and I honestly blocked a lot of that conversation out. I have no idea really fully what I had said to my brother but I'm sure it was along the lines of "no but I support them" but meanwhile my brain sounded like a tornado siren  "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" every bell and whistle going off. I think I even considered it a little more after that but again I'm just a kid I dunno what to do so into the vault it goes!

Another year or two later and again I'm reintroduced to trans people on the internet. An ex of mine was obsessed with this trans guy and I also started to scroll back through his videos to find the before stuff because we found him pretty early on in his transition, so you could see him cut his hair and start to grow facial hair.

This was pre COVID still so it wasn't really the 2020 trans bandwagon a lot of people hopped on that now a lot gave up on cause for some it was just a fun little phase. I remember one of my thoughts about it was "this is okay but I shouldn't start to think I'm that way I'm not trans I'm just a hypochondriac" after I'd debated my pronouns and realized hey I don't actually like she/her pronouns. Which to me personally is a WILD thing to remotely think about, cause why was I trying to gaslight myself? A couple days later having this whole debate I found a video that was a call out of a girl saying cis people don't debate their pronouns, and I was flabbergasted to say the least cause I'm cis and I did... right? Right???

Around that time was my first time accepting I'm trans and coming out as non-binary to my ex and some friends mostly people online who I'd never meet. This wasn't all sunshine and rainbows something still felt off being non-binary and my ex wouldn't use the right pronouns or name. Gradually I got more and more comfortable being trans but seeing all these trans guys on T made me debate if I wanted that or not. Beard would be pretty cool but with my genetics? Being bald is gonna suck! Eventually I made up my mind yes I want to start my hormone journey to see what it's all about!

Suddenly having words to describe what I felt inside felt good, I felt like I made sense! But oh how I hate being trans. It's a beautiful thing living your life through 2 different views, but I'm at the point where if I tell someone my name or they see me they ask my pronouns cause I'm very clockable. I feel like it's something I have on display a giant neon sign above my head that flashes and draws attention. "Hey this one is wrong it's not supposed to have boobs!" With a giant arrow pointing down at me. I wish I could just have been a boy from the start.

Despite that I want that sign sometimes, as a beacon to other trans people that flashes ME TOO! ME TOO! ME TOO! to be boldly myself at a between stage on my trans journey. I love making middle aged white people seethe when they see me and I want other queer people to immediately see I'm safe for them. A giant reminder that you are not alone! Everyone's journey looks different and that's perfectly okay!