anything i have to say

one

"there is so much pain, and i dont know how to not notice it"

I walk past a homeless man at a train station. He holds out his cup and my face melts into apologetic sympathy, head shaking because I have nothing to give him. He calls after me as I walk away. I feel his pain tugging at my chest, but I keep walking. It's blackness winds it's way around my finger and flows through my blood.

As I call upstairs to my father he asks me how long I'll be out, and his voice is tinged with a strange whine that I don't recognise on him. I am in a rush to leave because my brother is waiting outside, but my chest tightens as his tired voice speaks to me. I can hear his sorrow. Dripping from his words, a map of recent tears, desperate for someone to stay with him and make sure he's okay. But I leave. I tell my brother of what happened and he dismisses it. He doesn't care. Another wave of blackness rushes in my veins.

I am 15 again, walking into the living room expecting a telling-off from my dad, who has called me and my brothers there. When his eyes meet mine I see that they are red, and as I smile unsurely I have the thought in my head 'gosh, who died?' Within minutes he tells me mum is gone. Without goodbye or explanation. As information of her being on a plane abroad echoes through my head my heart pumps, ears ringing and hands growing clammy. My throat and eyes burned, a steady flow of tears immediately flowing down my face because I know how much I need her. Inky blackness drips through me, infecting every part of my vulnerable mind and destroying the wall I had just started building up again.
My pain is unbearable. And as it ebbs inside me it combines with the tsunami of suffering that clouds this world. Knowledge of death, loss of each other, hate and love and despair and grief and everything that makes people human. To be human is to feel pain. To bear whatever is put on to you without complaint or misbehaviour. To be human is to be crushed. To be submerged in a never ending stream of agitation, greed and fear.

"i dont want to be someone's crush."

She will never understand the pain of being unwanted.
It comes so effortlessly to her to be admired. She presents herself without care and it's grating for anyone who just isn't too noticeable. I know that I'm not. I never have been. I'm average and boring, struggle to make conversation and move like I've got two left feet. 

He is simple. Kind and pretty, chatty when he's high and shy when he's sober. He flirted with me once then texted me for hours every day, making silly comments and asking questions. He made me feel wanted in these times-- seen. "To be loved is to be seen", she says to me, and I smile without meaning because I know she's saying that she'd not. But everyone sees her. How could they not? She draws attention without meaning to, moves with such grace and doesn't cover her face when she laughs. He sees her. I can tell how clearly too, the way he laughs when she speaks and teases her. When it comes to group conversations he barely acknowledges me, meanwhile having side talks with her and she joins in. Occasionally I throw a glance at her boyfriend, half expecting the same discomfort to be reflected in him. But he looks unbothered, and a sting in my chest tells me I'm an idiot for being upset because he doesn't belong to me. 

I have no reason to be uncomfortable. It's none of my business, and it makes me want to scream because that's just not fair. It's not fair that just because I'm not pretty, and just because I'm not skinny, I don't get to be loved. I want so desperately to be loved. And I know I'd be so good at having someone because I am so full of adoration for every single person I meet. Whoever they are they have a place to me, and I hate this because he is so, so perfect. I want him to be a serious chance, I want him to care. Fuck, I'm so desperate for someone to care. Someone to see me, for god's sake, but it's like I'm fucking invisible. 
An outcast in my family, irrelevant at school, constantly struggling to trust anyone and then doing it too fast and complaining about the outcome. What's the point in TALKING if no one's here to listen? Can they even hear me? Do they even care? Will I ever, in this god forsaken life that I've been thrown into without a care where I land, find someone who notices when I'm gone?

I know love exists because I exist and I'm full of it