We never thought it will get this far.
The first time was a one time thing that we both regretted but we kept coming back for more and now we can't stop.
I don't think neither of us wants to.
Our desire for each other has grown more than anything...
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All night I cried.
I officially ended it Christian and it felt like a piece of myself is gone.
Christian was my first of many.
My kiss.
My time.
My first true love.
And he's right. I am afraid. I'm too much of a coward to show my brother and Jeannie how much I love him.
Too scared of what will happen. But what if my worst fear comes true. My best friend hates me.
My brother disappointment and anger towards Christian.
This is for the best.
It may take a while to get over this but it's for the best.
Beside crying my eyes out I design. Creating art in my clothes is another way for me to distract myself.
Within the internship with Charlotte all interns must provide a weekly portfolio with a theme and by the end of internship on two will get a full time job with her and our own fashion debut in her show.
I spent mostly all night drafting my first week portfolio for her. My theme ethereal goddesses.
I hear a knock on my door. I looked over at my clock and noticed it with 8 in the morning.
Shit I worked all night.
Lucky for me I didn't have to go to my internship today since it's Saturday. A knock on my door, well more like a bang, brought me to my senses.
I sluggishly walked to my door to see who is was and no surprise it was Cassie and Jeannie.
"Good morning!!" Cassie sings loudly as she walks in. Jeannie came in behind her with a box of donuts.
"Ohh is that Carlie's," I moan as she opens the box. Carlie's has the best donuts in Brooklyn.
"Yes ma'am it is," she says opening it for me. I happily picked one up with the strawberries on top and practically shoved it in my mouth.
"Mmm," I moan.
"I know right," Jeannie says.
I followed them into the living room.
"Okay spill what's wrong with you," Cassie demands. I looked at the two of them.
"What are you talking about?" I asked him with a hint of nervousness.
"I talking about you being all sad and shit. Your trash man is fill with tissue, you have a fully complete dress at your station which tell us that you been up all night. Now tell me what's wrong," Cassie asked with a hint of sassed.
I looked over to Jeannie to see if she can help me but nope.
She is giving me the same look.
With the both of them looking at me I couldn't help but to start crying.
"Guys," i whined and ran into there arms.
"Aww, sweetie," Jeannie says as we sat down on my couch.
I told them everything... well, not everything.
What they do know is that I met someone while I was in school. I loved him, but we broke up. What I just told them is that he came back into my life and my feelings along with him. He wanted us to get back together, but I told him no, and I went on a date with someone else. He found out, and now we are officially done.
"Damn, girl, you are heartless," Cassie added.
Jeannie and I looked at her like she had grown two heads.
"What?! I'm telling the truth. This man poured out his heart to you on two separate occasions, and you crushed it. For what?"
This time, both Jeannie and Cassie looked over at me. I had never really told them the true reason why I broke up with him.
"It's complicated," I said.
"Bullshit," Jeannie and Cassie exploded at me simultaneously.
"You said he came all the way to Paris to admit his feelings for you even though we didn't even know you were talking to a dude. You guys dated for two years, and then boom, you break up with him. A year later, you come back home, and he also comes back wanting to be with you. And what, you fuck him one last time and say that it's done?" Cassie summarized, but it sounded so much worse when she said it.
"Look, it clearly seems like you love him just as much as he loves you," Jeannie said. And she was spot on.
"So why are you so determined to push him away?" she asked me.
I really wanted to tell her the truth. Maybe she'd understand. Maybe she'd be okay with me dating her brother.
Or maybe she'd hate me forever. Never forgive me. This could be the ultimate betrayal and could be the end of our friendship.
I loved Christian with my entire heart, but I loved Jeannie and our friendship too much to risk it. It was hard to find a friendship like ours, and I didn't want to risk it. It was one of the things I valued most in this world.
I didn't know I was crying until I felt the tears drop on my hands.
"I'm scared..." I sobbed softly. "...that it will ruin everything."
"Why would it ruin everything?" Jeannie asked gently.
My heart began to beat quickly.
I should tell her.
Just get it over with.
"I... I..."
Jeannie and Cassie looked at me expectantly, their faces a mix of concern and curiosity.
"It's because..." I hesitated, swallowing hard. "...because there are a lot of what ifs."
Jeannie's expression softened as she absorbed my words. Cassie, always the more straightforward one, spoke first.
"Elle, you can't live your life based on what-ifs. If this guy makes you happy, then you should be with him."
Jeannie nodded, reaching out to take my hand. "Elle, don't let your anxiety over what could happen."
Easier said than done.
"We're by your side no matter what," Jeannie adds but I know that you'll be angry you said it yourself two years ago.
