Titanic Bound by Destiny

Chapter 13: Conflicting Emotion's

April 13th, 1912. (2:35 AM)

After His talk with Murdoch, Nicholas continued his stroll along the boat deck and eventually headed aft. He did not dare return to the second-class library; it may have been his favourite place on the entire ship, but he had no courage to face Sebastian. The rejection had left him in emotional disarray, unsure if he could bear to see Sebastian again. So instead, Nicholas stood on the stern again, in the same place the pair had gotten to know each other, in a time that now felt like it was aeons ago. Nicholas leaned against the railing, his eyes fixed on the turbulent wake left by the mighty ship as it sliced through the Atlantic. The wake was a mesmerising thing to watch. As had been for the last three days, Titanic's powerful engines churned the water into frothy waves that stretched out behind them, disappearing into the horizon. Right now, he wanted to vanish alongside them. His future as a lawyer and of new beginnings in New York seemed secure in his mind. Still, his thoughts of Sebastian betrayed the confidence he had found and left him with emotions he could not piece together, adding to his uncertainty.

Nicholas's relationship with Sebastian had begun as a cautious friendship, quickly deepening into something more intimate and confusing. Just last night, in the quiet solitude of the ship's pool room, they had shared a moment of vulnerability—a kiss that had seemed to promise more. However, the morning had brought with it a return to reality; Sebastian's formal, distant demeanour had left Nicholas feeling rejected and unsure of where they stood. Sebastian was a man who loved his job and thrived in his career, and he was not going to jeopardise that for him. And now his mind understood this more than it had earlier, yet that did not lessen the stings left behind by the brutal rejection. In his dreams, Nicholas envisioned a relationship with Sebastian free from the constraints of their roles aboard the ship—unhindered, acknowledged, and authentic. However, the reality painted a different picture, a battleground between their personal desires and the societal expectations that threatened to tear them apart, especially with Sebastian's staunch commitment to his career, which could potentially barricade any path forward.

Amidst these reflections, he was barely aware of approaching footsteps until he heard the warm, unmistakable voice of Lady Adelaide Thibodeaux. "Good afternoon, Nicholas. It's lovely to find you here, though you seem a world away," she said, her tone rich with the lilting accents of her Southern heritage. Nicholas was taken aback by her sudden appearance and then quickly mused to himself that he had to be more aware of those around him, for he kept finding himself dragged out of his thoughts by the sudden appearance of someone; today alone, it had happened twice. Startled, Nicholas turned to see her elegantly dressed in a green gown that shone in the afternoon soon. A shawl covered her head to protect her from the cold Atlantic air. Her presence was comforting; her southern accent sounded almost warming to Nicholas. "Good afternoon, Lady Adelaide. It's just been one of those days," he replied, managing a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Please Call me Addie", she insisted as she joined him at the railing. Lady Adelaide's keen eyes studied him briefly; she was perceptive. Nicholas had learnt that much from the night before, and she also seemed to care little about the social code of the time. She was freer than Nicholas could ever be; he wished he knew how she did it. Conner was the same, going about life without a worry. "You seem troubled, dear. Perhaps I could offer some perspective if you'd like to share." Addie said as she placed her hand on Nicholas, trying to give him some reassurance. To Nicholas, he realised that maybe out of everyone on the ship, anyone could help him put the pieces together. Addie could do it. She seemed to understand but did not care about what may or may not be considered immoral. The doctor's words from this morning rang in his head repeatedly as he stood frozen for a second before forcing out words.

"It's, It's Sebastian. We kissed last night, and today he's been so formal", Nicholas muttered. He turned his head to watch Addie's response. He hoped she would respond as well as the doctor and that he was right about her being more open-minded. "Well, I suspected something was going on last night; the tension between you two during that dance was thicker than a plank of wood, but do go on, Nicholas", she admitted as Nicholas breathed a deep sigh of relief. Buoyed by her openness and caring nature, Nicholas opened up about his recent interactions with Sebastian. He spoke of their initial connection and how things seemed to have changed overnight. "I thought there was something special between us," Nicholas admitted, "but now I'm not so sure. Sebastian has become so distant, so formal. It's as if last night never happened". As he spoke, Lady Adelaide listened intently, her expression reflecting a deep and thoughtful empathy. When he finished, she offered a compassionate smile. Nicholas felt a weight lift off his shoulders as he finished saying what he had to say; to get out how he thought into the open felt so reliving. He had bottled it up inside for so long that it may have exploded, but now, at last, he had found an outlet.

Addie took a moment to think about how to respond before speaking. "Sebastian is a dedicated man, very committed to his duties aboard this ship. I've seen how he interacts with the passengers—he helped me feel less isolated when I first boarded. It's clear he cares deeply about his responsibilities." She paused, choosing her following words carefully. "But Nicholas, just because someone is dedicated to their job doesn't mean they lack the capacity for personal connections. Perhaps he's struggling with his fears about what a relationship could mean for both of you, especially in such an unconventional setting as this." Her words struck a chord in Nicholas, and he felt relief and renewed anxiety. For the first time, it dawned on him that maybe he was wrong; perhaps he overreacted, and maybe his anger was unwarranted. He had no way to know how Sebastian felt, nor could he know his fears. He realised he had only been thinking of himself until now. "I suppose you're right," he conceded. "I just don't know if I should confront him about it or let things be."

Addie touched his arm gently. "In matters of the heart, my dear, sometimes taking a risk is the only way to find true happiness. Don't let fear of the unknown hold you back. Sebastian may feel the same way but is equally afraid of taking that first step." Her advice brought a slight clarity, and Nicholas felt a weight lift slightly off his chest and shoulders. The first step was always the hardest; he knew that. He had faced that first step so many times in life so far and had never taken it. To scared of facing the unknown. Knowing Nicholas likely needed time to think, Addie shifted the subject onto something lighter. "Connor invited me to the Irish party later in third class. It promises to be a lively affair. Why don't you come along? It might do you good to let loose a little, to live freely for a few hours". He pondered the invitation he had been given; he had somewhat let loose in the gala but never truly, and knowing how free Conner was, he expected the Third-class party would be even more of a wild event, but she was right. Maybe he did need to let loose, to be himself with no cares, even if it was just for a few hours.

After a brief moment, he decided a sense of resolve firming within him. "Yes, I think I will join you. It's time I took your advice and started living with a little less fear," he resolved, feeling a spark of anticipation for the evening ahead. "That's the spirit!" Addie exclaimed, her smile radiant. "Let's enjoy ourselves tonight. Life, after all, is far too short for anything less." With that, Addie turned and walked back towards the more populated areas of the ship, her confident stride a model of the grace and assurance Nicholas aspired to embody. He remained at the stern a while longer, allowing the calm wind and the rhythmic sound of the ocean to fortify his resolve. His mind was clearer now but still lingered on Sebastian. He looked down at the wake the ship was making, his confidence returning slowly but surely. So much was changing, so little was staying the same. The conversation had not solved all his problems, but it had given him the courage to face them head-on. Feeling slightly more determined, Nicholas finally turned away from the railing.

Tonight, he would enjoy the company of new friends and the lively atmosphere of the party. For now, however, he resolved to seek out Sebastian and try to bridge the gap between them. Whatever the outcome, Nicholas knew he owed himself to confront the situation and take the chance on the love Lady Adelaide had so wisely encouraged. It was time for him to live freely, embracing whatever the future held. It was scary, terrifying, and could all go wrong. But Nicholas was bolstered by his conversations. He was ready to take the leap once and for all. The future was his to shape, and shape it he would. Nicholas set off from the stern, ready to find Sebastian so he could set things right.