on things i never told you

intro

I was racing against time.

Halos pilitin ko na 'yung driver na paliparin 'yung sasakyan para lang makarating kaagad sa ospital. My eyes were filled with tears—I couldn't even see anything at this point. 

Everything seems to be blur.

It was my fault... wasn't it?

I'm sure it was...

If only I just listened to my mother then none of this would have happened.

I couldn't believe this was the price of all my dreams.

Pagkarating ko ng ospital, huminga ako nang malalim, pilit na pinipigilan ang mga luha na bumubuo sa aking mga mata. Every step felt like I was dragging a weight, each one heavier than the last, each one filled with pain and regret.

And once I was finally in front of the ICU, it finally struck me that this wasn't just one of the nightmares I have.

It was real.

"M-ma..." Mabilis na napalingon sa'kin si mama, pinilit na ngumiti at niyakap ako. 

"Don't... Don't cry," she whispered as she hugged me tight. The hospital was silent... and I was there wailing like a child, breaking the maddening silence with grief I never thought I'd go through once again.

God...

Keep him alive.

I promise... I promise I won't sing again.

"He's not going to die... Right?"

Mom shook her head, "No," she firmly said. Mom has always been stoic—never showed to us any emotions ever since dad died... but this was the only time I looked at her face and saw the pain she has always been hiding away. "No he's not."

Her voice laced with coldness was already enough to make me tremble.

She's angry.

I know she is.

She should be.

It's my fault, anyways.

"I'm sorry, mom," I whispered. "I... I should have been there."

With each beep of the machines, with each second of silence, I felt the weight of my promise... 

"I'll stop," I whispered. "I'll stop, mom. I'll do what you want. I'll take the program that you want me to take..."

"What for, Corrine? He's already dying," she whispered, her voice laced with pain and grief.

"I..."

At this point, all I wanted was to hear from her that it was going to be alright. That... even though I know deep inside me that I was responsible for what happened... I just wanted her to assure me that everything's going to be okay.

That no one's supposed to die tonight.

That no one deserves what happened.

That no one wanted that to happen.

But mom looked at me and uttered the words that made my world crumble down.

"That should've been you."