Careful, now. That's what I told myself. For weeks I have been having this conflict with myself. Because joking around with you began to make me feel these weird things in my stomach- or what people call "butterflies."
"I don't have butterflies, I don't want butterflies." I repeated those phrases to myself every single day before going to school where I know I'll be seeing you again.
Going to school felt different this time. It suddenly felt like you're about to ride a rollercoaster, except I'm going to keep seeing you.
I didn't want to admit it before, but now I can admit that I got so nervous. I was nervous to go to class.. especially in that forsaken Chemistry class I hated, because I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of you if ever I wasn't able to answer questions.
But you made it feel normal to me, you never judged me.. even after I admitted my sexuality to you. You knew, yet you still liked me as if it didn't matter.. as if I just told you I have black eyes.
That made me feel more things, because you continued your hidden feelings for me, even though I expected you'd back away immediately.. because who would want to date that kind of person?
I began to feel more scared, I didn't expect to see my feelings grow even more. I didn't want it to grow.. I don't want what's forming between us.
I'm scared, yet at the same time, I wanted to move forward with what we have. We were still hiding our feelings for each other.. but I knew you liked me.
Well, I was a coward. I was a coward for denying it for so long.. but can you blame me? I'm new to these kinds of things.. I have never felt this way before, not even with my childhood crushes.
Cowardice was my way of protecting myself.
