The Brightest Star

Chapter 20

Giving Dominic my virginity was an inevitable; at least for me. Even before the incident, in my head it was him. I can tell he feels guilty about it, he's never been good at hiding his emotions from me. But he has no need to feel bad. He's the only person I'd trust enough to do that with. And, for the record, I don't regret it at all.

But that's not what's occupying my mind today. Some days are easier than others. I think that's a universal truth for all people. But for me, some days all I can do is think about Tony. About how I blew him off the last time he called me up to hang out. About how I had no idea that he was working with Dominic. About how he looked when I found him that day.

And on days like this, I find it hard to think about anything else. It's hard to get out of bed but I do it anyway. But I know I'm not really myself. I can't follow conversations. I can't make decisions. I simply go through the motions, doing what is expected of me.

I'm able to hide it pretty well. I've always been good at that; putting on a happy front.

I meander around the greenhouse. Watering some of the young plants and plucking ripe vegetables from their vines. But all I can think about is Anthony.

How we used to be in the yard for hours picking dandelions. How we'd spend an entire weekend each summer turning tomatoes into sauce for the year. How our mother swore up and down that coffee grounds were good for plants and how we had to throw them down every morning.

"Hey," Leon's voice makes me jump.

"Hey," I glance at him over my shoulder.

He rocks on the heels of his feet, lurking in the doorway. I watch him from the corner of my eye. It's like he's debating with himself; whether or not to come inside.

"I want to talk to you about something," he says after a few moments.

"I don't feel like talking today," I murmur.

"I want to talk about your brother."

I stop moving. I keep forgetting that they knew each other. That Tony lied to my face for years. That he worked alongside these killers. I swallow hard and move for the back of the building. Leon's heavy footsteps follow behind me and I plant myself on the loveseat.

"Do you remember what I told you?" Leon asks, sitting on the armchair. "The night you decided to get drunk?"

I nod, "your brother was killed too."

"What's your favorite memory?" he asks. I freeze; I wasn't expecting that.

"My brothers and I, we're only a year apart each," Leon says. He looks out the window as he continues, "we grew up in the middle of nowhere. One year for Christmas we got these quads, I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10. Every time it rained and the roads turned to mud, we'd race each other. We'd always come home caked in mud, which our mom definitely didn't appreciate, but we were happy."

I swallow the lump in my throat, "Tony took me to my first father daughter dance. Our dad had promised to come but never came back from the bar that night. So Tony threw on his communion suit which he had completely outgrown and took me instead. We got a lot of weird looks but I'll always be grateful for that night."

"Sounds like he was a good big brother," Leon reaches out and places a gentle hand on my knee.

I glance at his ink covered skin, "he was."

"You asked me how I came to terms with it," he states.

I simply nod. I'm not quite sure where he's going with this. And it's hard to focus. But he seems to be the only one to get it. The only one who can relate. Despite how close Dom and Tony were, it's not the same.