ALONE

From a young age, I have always felt very alone. Perhaps since I began to understand things, I have been very alone. My mother's name is Ayesha Akter Ruma. She used to work. She would come home in the afternoon from far away, bringing a snack called "Gol Gola." If she had to work overtime at night and the company provided food, she wouldn't eat it but would bring it home. Then, suddenly, I found out that my mother had taken on a lot of debt. After that, she left. From that day, I didn't know I would lose my mother.She left me with my sister. My sister used to torture me a lot, beating me every day. Even when I was sick and lying down, she would hit me. Now I am 21-22 years old, but my body still bears many scars. I have been thrown out of the house several times. My sister would sometimes throw away my books and notebooks, and sometimes my clothes. But my mother would tell me to endure it, to stay as I was. My mother didn't understand me. She didn't understand the pain I couldn't express. People say that crying every day can dry up your tears, but for the past five years, I have cried every day, yet my tears never dry up.I loved my mother very much. When there was a Milad at the mosque, I would bring sweets. If I bought a 2-taka sandesh, I would give her half. My mother has forgotten those things. She has stopped my education. Today, I cried a lot, but my mother didn't listen to me. I have never understood what it means to be cherished. Those close to me understand my pain, my friends understand, but only my mother doesn't. Maybe I am an orphan.Today, after many days, I started writing again. Now I work night shifts; it's very difficult at night. Mosquitoes bite, and I can't sleep. I think of my mother. I couldn't sleep without her. Now I stay awake many nights without my mother. I want to understand what love is; I've forgotten. I've been sitting up all night, unable to sleep even a little. This neglect is very painful. Is being an orphan this painful? My sisters still eat out at restaurants like always, but I sit here without eating, there's no cooked rice. It hurts a lot.Today, again, my sisters ate noodles from the nearby shop, but there was nothing for me. I took credit from the nearby shop, but I don't know how I'll pay it back. The pain of hunger is unbearable. I took 500 taka from my mother; maybe she understood me. Today, I ate two pieces of bread; the curry at home doesn't taste good. Today, my sister made halwa, but when I asked for some, she didn't give me any. I want to drink some milk, but my sister won't give me any. My mother isn't here; whom should I go to? I feel very alone; I feel like dying.Today, a friend of mine died on the railway tracks. I thought, what if I die too? My sister brought milk for her baby, but it spoiled, so she was going to throw it away. I drank it; it tasted somewhat sweet. Today, my sister scolded my father. He cut my hand with a knife, and I was bleeding. I told my sister, told my brother-in-law, but no one came forward. I called my mother; she understood me. Now I see my brother-in-law is applying antiseptic to my hand. If my mother were alright, everyone would love me. I always pray that my mother never knows the pain I have endured. Is there a devil in our family?My aunt has been feeding me for a few days, but I can't get food at home with money. Today, I feel like dying; I am very hungry. It's 3 a.m., and one of my uncles came. Somehow, he understood I hadn't eaten, and he fed me today. This world is very strange; I would forget all my pain if someone loved me. Today, my mother will come. Maybe Allah won't keep me an orphan anymore. I don't want to stay an orphan anymore. I will love my mother very much; maybe she will love me too. My mother left, and it hurts a lot. My heart is breaking. Can my mother stay without me?I heard my mother has rented a room, but she didn't take me with her. This pain is the greatest in the world. For so long, I thought my mother was abroad, so I was an orphan. Now my mother is in the country, yet I'm still an orphan. I truly am an orphan. I have a mother, a father, a sister, but no one is there for me. Rabbi, brother, you are in peace; if I had died in your place, I wouldn't have felt this pain. My mother has rented a room, but I can't stay with her. It hurts a lot; I can't tell anyone. No one strokes my head. I will spend this Eid with my mother. Surely, I will find peace spending Eid with my mother. I have a lot of hope in my mother; maybe she won't scold me anymore. I want to rest my head on her lap, my whole world is my mother. But those who haven't left me mad, their mothers support them, they don't understand me. Mother, please love me like a mother for one day. I love you so much. I love you, mother. You used to sing me to sleep, "Come, come, moon uncle, give a tip, a moon tip on the moon's forehead." How many nights of sleep have been lost. Mother, it would really be good if you were far away; I could give you comfort. You are far away, so I don't get your affection and love. Today, I am a guest; maybe I couldn't be a good child, so I didn't get my mother's love. I agree, I shout, but I shout because I lack love. In this life, I may never receive affection again, never rest my head on your lap. In the hereafter, please give me some affection, mother. If I die, come to my grave and say, "How are you, my child?" I want to stay with you in the hereafter, mother. Maybe now, with the burdens of the world, you don't understand me; one day, you will understand me, mother. I just want a little love. I love you, mother.