My kinda best friend

The Christmas Party

So here I am. Light flashing before my eyes. But at the same time...I'm kind of relieved. I've really wanted to get this off my chest.

So I did. And everyone was shocked. And you? Well, your expression was the most heartbreaking. It was the most painful mix of shock, blankness, and disgust.

And not disgust at me. You were disgusted at yourself for not putting it together sooner. But like I said, I'm a good liar. And I'd managed to keep you off my trail for a while.

But not after that.

You treated me...differently after that. Not rudely, because you're still a good person. Just stiffly. And it fucking sucked.

Why the hell did I have to be antagonized for something normal? I mean, I understand if she needed some space for a month, but a whole goddamned semester? A bit much.

And the worst part? If it were any other friend, I wouldn't mind. I'd just unfriend them. But it was you. My closest and only best friend. Every time we played Roblox together. Laughed together. Every inside joke we ever made. It was all too much. I could never unfriend you. I had a plan for us. We both go to UCLA, get good jobs, you as a doctor and me as an architect who would design your house, we'd get married (to different people, of course. We're not a couple), and we'd be happy.

But now I doubt that'll ever happen.

If you read this, you'd say I'm overreacting. Being the same over dramatic Anika I am. And I guess I am. But we're not best friends anymore. Just friends.

And it makes me feel like shit. Because you made me think it was my fault, when you know DAMN WELL that it's not.

You're still nice to me. You still act like everything is the same. But it's not and won't ever be.

—————————————

One day, you pulled me aside to talk. I assumed the worst as usual. And you asked me why I was being rude to you lately. 

*siiiiigh*

You know when people have a mental breakdown in movies and videos and start breaking down in tears while laughing maniacally at the same time? I really felt like doing that.

Why was I being mean to you? ME?! WHY WAS I BEING MEAN TO YOU?! AFTER EVERYTHING, AFTER ME TREATING YOU LIKE MY BEST FRIEND EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDNT DO THE SAME FOR ME, YOU STILL PORTRAY ME AS THE VILLAIN?!

It's always like that with you, isn't it? I give you my love, and you take it. You take and take and take and then when I want some, you do the bare minimum. I'm your best friend, and yet you do this to me.

I'm your best friend. 

Right? 

Or was it all a ruse? I don't know anymore. Like how I didn't know how to respond to that question. And being the people pleaser I am, I said sorry and said I'd work on it. Because I actually do have anger issues.

I was just really angry at her in particular for a while.

And the fact that I was the villain here reaaaallly didn't help my depression.

So I tell her. On a google doc.

For context, this is the very same google doc that she helps me write my future demigod novel on. The same one where she made an extremely op self insert and keeps stealing the main character's spotlight.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad for her self insert to be there. Considering that I made one, I was cool with it.

Too bad she stopped writing on it, one of the only active and secret communication outlets I had with her a few months ago.

Thankfully, not before I told her how I felt.

I told her how depressed I'd been.

I told her how I hated myself.

I told her everything but how I really felt.

Diverting the conversation. Great job, me. Avoiding the real problem. That'll fix it.

And thankfully, I got the pity I expected from it.

She wanted to help.

The only best friend thing she'd done that school year. She wanted me to talk to our English teacher, who was also a licensed therapist.

I refused. One, because adults are scary. Two, I already have online therapy online. And three, she was half the reason I was depressed in the first place and I didn't want to agree with her.

But thank all the gods, she said I didn't have to.

And things were good.

But immediately after that golden age was what I like to call the partial cold shoulder.

She didn't fully ignore me. But she spent way more time with her other friends and ignored me whenever she talked to them. And as an introvert with social anxiety, I can sufficiently say that it felt like a slap to the face.

But I pushed forward. Continued to deal with my bitch of a PE teacher. Continued to keep up my grades. Continued to try and fail to please my Asian parents.

And now it's summer. I have months to be away from her. Months to think before I have to back to the cesspit that is high school.

Oh right, I skipped something. The fact that she hasn't replied to any of my messages and emails. You know the only time she replied? When I told her that I saw someone we knew from middle school at a community event.

Well guess what? I'm done. All villains have a villain arc, right? Well this is mine. She wants to think of me as her weirdo bestie with anger issues who only ties her down and keeps her from her other friends? Let her. Because next school year, I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine. And if she feels sad, asks me why I'm ignoring her, then I'll explain. I'll tell her. And I want to see the remorse on her face as she apologizes for being a crappy best friend.

And if she doesn't?

Well then, at least I have you guys.

You won't ignore me. Because you actually have common sense.

Call me evil for trying to retaliate against her, but I want revenge regardless.

Also, please don't hate on her too much. She's a genuinely kind person and still my best friend. She just handled this particular situation in the wrong way, and this is entirely my perspective and how I felt. I'll tell her all of this eventually, but for now, you guys get to know first.

I find it concerning that people online are more trustworthy than my best friend. Eh, oh well. Too late now.