My First Year

Chapter 1 Days to Weeks

Chapter 1

Days to weeks

My name is Caitlin and this story covers aspects of my first real relationship that saw me lose my virginity and dive into a world of sexual fantasies, bondage and a sexual dominant submissive relationship.

I am a 23 year old with no amazing powers or characteristics bumbling through life, mainly a college degree, trying to decide still who I am and where I am going. I was the only one of my friends who was a virgin and a few years older than my social counterparts. A bit of a late bloomer in most aspects of my life I had gone from qualification to qualification before settling at university doing an animal behaviour degree. This lack of confidence and random changes in my life led to major social awkwardness and an inability to maintain eye contact with a guy who wasn't my boss or lecturer for more than 3 seconds, I didn't see myself ending up on the sexual train anytime soon. I had convinced myself that my life was fulfilled with no sex and I would do it when I was ready but I know now, I was using that to convince myself I wasn't missing anything. A chronic obsessive compulsive disorder sufferer allowed me to disgust my mind into thinking sex was pointless, dirty, sweaty and I was not interested. This didn't quell the loneliness I felt, craving a relationship and closeness but at least I wasn't out having one night stands like some people I knew to fill a hole.

Even though I had no interest in sex, I did find myself in a state of constant sexual frustration that hadn't become clear till recently. I had a keen but very secret interest in bondage, I used to fantasise about being kidnapped, bound and gagged but even though I knew it was sexual arousal I was feeling I did nothing to release the frustration. I would fantasise, read bondage stories, look at videos and pictures but never would I accept it was a sexual feeling that I could control or do anything about, as I refused to touch myself. So these escapades just left me with a raised heartbeat and a severe feeling of unfulfilment. I had told myself that relationships that embraced bondage didn't exist in reality and I was barely attractive to the men now, luck wasn't going to find me a man interested in me and bondage.

Years my mother had told me if I was willing to dress a bit more feminine, as I am a classic tomboy and refuse to change to conform to society and how society perceives my dress sense, if I would go out to parties and bars a bit more, I would attract some male attention. This conversation would always end in a row that I wouldn't dress that way to please a guy because that wasn't me, I didn't want a relationship built on a person that I would never become and the right guy would see through my baggy clothes and baseball cap and want the person in there, he was the guy I was waiting for. Call me naive and living on fantasies but I am a moralistic person and clung to this notion, I guess I am an old romantic at heart.

Living in university halls, I found I had a mixed group of friends and was relatively happy. Ever since my first year I had harboured a crush on William, a friend of a friend but I never muttered a word to anyone as I didn't want the humiliation of rejection, as I felt I had nothing to offer to him. As my second year drove on, Williams and my social groups started spending more time around each other and William became a more recurrent face and I found my crush still burning as strong as it had the previous year. I thought it was my imagination as his name started appearing on my Facebook a little more, telling myself it was my obsessive compulsive mind getting the better of me, trying the fill a void. Eventually, his best friend Samantha, our mutual friend needed help buying a laptop and we both went along to help. I still hadn't mentioned my crush but the entire evening, I felt more comfortable in Williams company than anybody before, we laughed, talked and found we had similar interests. When I returned to my dorm I was glowing but my negative side took over, telling me it was my head, he was being polite, convincing myself I was seeing what I wanted to see but still I hoped he felt the same connection I had felt.