scenario oneshots (no fandom)

you feeling ok?

(my awful attempt at romanticizing my depression ark)

will be mostly internal monologging, because my surroundings don't register with me that well when i'm depressed. i just live in my head.

this is like a vent post.

CW: weed, alcohol, intrusive thoughts.
__________________________________

I feel like shit. I miss him. I lie here in my disgusting bedroom, in the dark. He's too busy for me. He never has time.

My room stinks...

Rotten food in random bowls...

Moldy cups...

My sheets are sticky...
I haven't changed them in forever.

I wish my room was darker. My blinds are closed and the only light is peeking in from around it... it isn't much, but it's still too much... I don't like the light.

I hug my pillow tighter, still facing this same wall... How long have I been here? It's been too long. I can't fall asleep. Every few seconds my ceiling fan will bring a waft of something awful right into my nose. It stinks... somewhere in my room something's rotting... but I don't have the energy to find out what...

...

H/N: Hey. You up?

My phone chimes when I get a message from him. I turned off notifications for everyone but him.

I hear it, but I don't move... I stare at the wall... My eyes are dry and stingy... I don't want to move. I wish he were here with me. Texting isn't enough. I turn over anyway. I can feel crumbs and other dirt squishing in between my skin and the bed... It feels disgusting. I roll on my side, resting on my elbow.

He texts me again before I can even turn the phone on.

H/N: Guess not.

I begin typing.

Y/N: Yeah, I'm up.

H/N: Ah, good. You feeling ok?

He must be asking this because I vented to him yesterday. It wasn't much really, but he seems to think it is...

Sometimes I just don't think I'm worth his time.

Y/N: no. i'm not ok.

H/N: Wanna talk about it?

I just want to be with him... I just want to feel his touch... His warmth... I don't want to be alone...

I sit and I think about what I should say... Do I tell him I want to see him? Or will he be too bothered? Am I annoying him? Maybe I'm overthinking...

Y/N: no.
Y/N: I just wanna see you.
Y/N: I miss you.
read 4:38pm

He must be busy.

I roll over onto my back, staring at the ceiling, phone still in hand. I have nothing to do... I have nothing but my own thoughts. I roll over onto my other side to face the wall again, dirt and crud rubbing my skin again. I can feel the remnants of yesterday's makeup caked into the pillowcase. The eyeliner's gotten hard and scratchy. I cried it all off last night. There must be layers of cried-off eyeliner in my pillow now, but it's too dark to see.

Every say seems more dull than the last. Ever since school ended, I've had nothing to wake up for in the morning. I'd only go to school to see him.

I miss him terribly, but I don't want him to know. It'll make me look weak.

I know he misses me too, he just never has time.

But can I even trust myself? Do I even know that's true?

I wish I could just be with him whenever I needed.

Needed.

I need it.

...

I'm still thinking.
Still lying here.
Still breathing.
Still awake.

The thoughts wander like they have a mind of their own...

Though I do suppose it's my mind that lets them wander... My mind that guides them.

My room is quiet. I like the silence...

The thoughts keep going. I don't know where... They'll tell me every now and then. They can be intrusive at times...

Like right now.

"I want to kill myself."

They say to me. But do I really want to do that?

"I wish I wasn't here."
"I'm sick of being awake."

...

"Maybe I should get drunk... Or high..."

Maybe I should. I think the thoughts are right about this one. I don't like it when I'm able to think so freely. The thoughts bother me sometimes.

I have a stash of beers in my mini fridge. (a/n: I bought this fridge at the thrift store for 13$, it can hold 6 cans.)

I crack one open, and hold it to my lips, sitting down in my old beat-up desk chair. It scratches my skin. It's so dirty. I had to step over all my dirty clothes to get from my bed to this chair.

I take a sip of the cold beer and it quenches my thirst. It's so refreshing.

unfinished

mf i fell asleep writing that last part and had a REALLY BAD SLEEP PARALYSIS TYPE DREAM DAWG 😭😭😭🙏🙏

i hate those dreams so much fr.

next chapter will focus on those.