Let's go Cowboy

C5

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When Yeosang was young, young enough to still be naively hopeful, his father had taken him hunting.

He wasn't good at it, too clumsy and loud, always getting in the way. He couldn't pull a bow, and he couldn't aim a gun. But his father demanded perfection and obedience and above all, usefulness.

On the last trip they ever took Yeosang found the rotting corpses of two bucks, their antlers locked as if stuck in combat even in the afterlife. They were hidden under the ferns, away from the path and prying eyes. Sheltered.

When he pointed them out his father had scoffed, not bothering to hide his disdain as he pushed Yeosang along.

"Stupid beasts probably starved to death, wasteful."

He couldn't tear his thoughts away from how the bodies seemed to embrace each other, bedding down in the soft green moss one last time. Cursed to forever lay by the bones of an enemy. When the deer realized they were stuck, were they scared? Or did they die hating each other, unable to run from the consequences of their own actions? Maybe, and this was the outcome he hoped was true, maybe they were just glad not to be alone in the end.

His father thought it was a lesson on why getting the upper hand in a fight was so important. And to that, Yeosang cried so hard and loud that he spooked the animals, chasing them away from his father's cruel intentions.

He followed in their footsteps just before summer, running away from that place like a frightened deer.

Now that Yeosang was older, he knew why animals behaved the way they did. And he was starting to understand what the two bucks felt, ensnared body and soul to one another as they starved to death.

After all, he couldn't seem to leave San's side no matter how much they butted heads. And when they kissed the tang of his own blood stained Yeosang's teeth, even when none had been spilled.

Their arrangement wasn't necessarily a bad thing, just doomed. He had, for the first time in a long while, a friend his age. He had a reason to stay out late, or to get off work early. To sneak around like a lovestruck teenager, stealing kisses and meaningful glances.

But cowboys don't stay in one place for long, they don't know how to settle. Yeosang didn't need to be told to notice that San was getting restless.

He could feel the deadline closing in, a noose around his neck, unannounced but still approaching. Maybe San didn't know it himself, but he was going to leave soon and he was going to take the best parts of Yeosang with him. This odd anticipatory loneliness sat heavy on his lungs, only letting up when San saw fit to touch him, and even then it still stayed on the outskirts of his mind. Aching, dragging him down.

The irony of it all was not lost on him. Yeosang knew from the start it was temporary, a wildfire of a fling that would burn fast and bright before suffocating itself in time. He knew, and yet he was still going to end up devastated.

Such was the way of life for him. He wanted so badly for the few short months he spent with San to be good enough, but Yeosang was inherently hungry. He couldn't help wanting more.

At some point it became reasonable to have San stay at his apartment. Any odd looks or remarks were easily brushed off with the pretense of saving San all the money he'd otherwise spend on staying at the inn. Not only did Yeosang become scarily accustomed to sharing his space, but he also got used to all the little reminders of his housemate.

He woke up in someone's arms and made double the amount of coffee, two pairs of boots by the door. Sometimes he'd grab the wrong shirt before work and only realize when he saw how it hung off his thin frame. A black cowboy hat took up residence on the coat rack, right next to his worn woolen coat.