Real Life Fantasy

Chapter 2 - The custody

It's been 3 months since Charles left me with our 3 kids. I hadn't heard anything about him until I received a letter granting the custody of the children under him. I left no choice but to obey, since I don't have any source of income to support my children and I am currently seeing a therapist to address my depression caused by our separation.

Today was very tough. Harder than the day Charles walked out through our door. Seeing my kids being taken away from me crushed my heart for the second time. I did not fight because I knew this was for their cause as I could not promise a better future for them, for now. Yet, I promised that I would take them back soon. As soon as possible.

My children are too young to lose a mother. Ryss who is only 8 years old, Carl - 6 years old, and Xian who is only 4 years old.

I can't bear it. I can't let him shatter me into pieces again, but I have no choice. I kept on crying, pouring my heart out like there was no tomorrow. There will be no tomorrow as I can not think of it. Not a day without my children with me.

I sat near the window sobbing, watching Charles' car drive away together with my kids. Opened a bottle of wine and drowned myself until I could feel no pain. Until I am taken away by darkness.
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As I woke up, my head was slightly spinning. I glanced at the clock and it was 10:oo o'clock in the morning. The day went by so fast. I look at my face in the mirror. My eyes are swollen from crying. I have to fix myself, though my chest is still so heavy, but I need to get up and start the day. I can't let myself drown again as I will not be able to get the custody back if I will stay like this.

I soak myself in the bathtub, feeling all the sadness and the emptiness. I tried to redirect my attention to the running water touching my skin. Trying to be mindful of the small things that are happening in this little moment as my therapist advised me to do.

I kept my eyes closed and felt the cold water running through my skin. From my head through my face. The calmness of the water makes my mind relax a little bit. I breathe calmly and lean my head on the tub to keep it steady and not feel the heaviness from the alcohol.

My arms wrapping around my legs felt the cold water as it rises slowly filling the tub. I can sense the lightness in me, in my body as I try not to think any thoughts. I love this feeling, this moment. And I want to stay this way as long as I can.

My attention drifted away when my phone alarmed me. I reached to check the time and it was time to fetch the kids, supposedly.

I suddenly went back to reality and sighed heavily before getting up and changing my clothes. I went to the bedroom and it was empty. Very empty, and I miss my kids' laughter all around. I see their shadows running and giggling like angels. Oh, my little angels. Mama will bring you back home soon.