Settling

Chapter 1

I settle into my safe haven. Also known as my bed. Topped with coffee colored sheets. My mother would argue that they were cream, but whatever. A sigh escapes me and I decided that if Lucas Friar were an animal he would be a deer.

I'm good at this I conclude. Settling. Settling for loneliness. Keeping quite around my mom. Because if I said anything about what had happened she would go off the loose end. This is how life gets better. By settling. I'm pretty sure, almost sure.

But moms doing better. She is, she really is. She no longer cries behind closed doors. No longer calls him hoping for an answer. She's even picked up an new hobby. Gardening. Even though she doesn't actually have time for it. So really it's my responsibility.

I love it though, getting my hands dirty. Feeling the warm soil between my fingers and the sunlight hitting my back. That reminds me it's time to water the flowers.

I roll out of my bed. Placing my bare feet on the cool wood paneling. Walking across my apartment, I stop at my kitchen. And grab the spray bottle.

Sliding open the glass door I step out onto the patio, the morning sunrise hitting my face.

Bending over I spray the flowers one by one.
Finally done. I go to the kitchen and pull out a pitcher of orange juice, pouring myself some.

My mother emerges from her bedroom, in her dress and apron. Ready to go to work. Looking at her I feel sorry. Sorry that she had to work day and night. Only sleep being her break. "I'm off to work honey, have a great day.", she said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "You too." I put the pitcher back in the fridge, and grab some berries.

Carrying them over to the coffee table. I settle down into my bright yellow couch. I never liked this couch. The color was to bright. To happy. To smiley. Which I was the complete opposite of. I turning on the t.v., I decide on a horror film.

These were my favorite. It was addicting seeing people be so silly, so dumb. Squirming in anxiety, shuddering in fear. This was the only time I could watch these. In the mornings. I spent most of time over at the Matthews household. And Riley of course was too scared to watch them.

I look at my watch and it reads 8am. Just about time to go to the Matthews. While walking to my closet I trip over Marisol. My cat. I scoop her up and pet her salt and pepper fur. Carrying her to my room and placing her on the edge of my bed.

I decide on a plain white t-shirt, ripped jeans, and brown heeled booties. And of course my dads army jacket. The jacket I wore every day. No matter what I was wearing I had it on. it was silly I know. To hold onto something that my abandoning father left. But it represented a time of happiness, a time of giggles, and handholding. So yes, I held onto it, but for reason.

Once I was done. I grabbed my book bag and left, heading for Riley's. I got there and pressed the buzzer. "Who is it.", I heard her high pitch voice coming from the buzzer. "Who else?", I questioned. "Come on up", her sweet voice bellowed.

I opened the door to her apartment and was immediately hit with the aroma of bacon and pancakes. Looking around I saw the usual. Topanga cooking. Cory and Auggie sitting, with their mouths watering. Waiting for the food.

And of course Riley coming towards me.

"Hello best friend.", she said linking are arms together. "Hey kid, ready to go?" Riles smiled and nodded, grabbing her bag and kissing her family goodbye. I sat back and watched in envy. Envious because I knew that I would never have this. A family to wake up to in the morning and say goodnight to at night.

Once she was done we walked out the door headed for the subway. "So you excited to see, Lucas?", I ask. He asked her out over the weekend. She told me all about it. He told her out to a fancy restaurant. There were candles every where. A band playing soft music in the background. She told me it was the best night of her life. It was a little to sappy for my taste. But what could I say. It was Lucas and Riley. The next Cory and Topanga.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?", she said trying to play it cool. But I knew my best friend. She was nervous. Nervous for what, I don't know. She had this way of working her nerves up, until she felt like something awful was going to happen. Which it wasn't. Because nothing bad ever happens in her life. No that was reserved for mine.

"Come on Riles, what are you nervous for? Nothing bad is going to happen.", I told her pushing her onto the subway. "Promise?", she asked turning around. "Promise.", taking her pinkie in mine.

The rest of the subway ride was filled talk of Lucas, nervous questions, and listening. The subway came to a halt. Our cue to get off.

We arrived at our school. John Quincy Adams high school. I glanced over at Riley and gave her a look of reassurance, took her soft hand in my rough one and pulled her into the school.

"Maya, I don't think I can do this. What will I say?", she questioned. "Riley! Stop. Nothing's different than before. Say hi and talk to him.", I whisper shouted. Giving her a nice shove towards his direction.

I sat back and watched. Watched her shyly approach him. Flushed from cheek to cheek. Him. His eyes light up when he saw her come towards him. Watched Huckleberry tuck a lock of brown hair that hung in her face. Watched them hold each other's hands and gaze into each others eyes.

I had to look away. Because I knew that I would never have that. Have somebody that loved me. My life wasn't set up that way. And I was okay with that. Because my friends were gonna be happy. They were gonna get their dreams. And if they got everything they wanted then I would be okay. Maybe not, but I could settle.

Riley came skipping towards me hair flowing, eyes bright, smiles wide. "Hey, you okay?", she frowned. Great she knew something was wrong. "Yeah why wouldn't I be? I'm always okay", I said trying to brush it off.

No I wanted to say. I'm not okay. I'm never okay.

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