Until my Blood Turns Ink

One

One

The only absolute truths in this world are birth and death. One day we'll be born, and one day we'll die. We all know it goes that way. The fairest thing that could happen in a human's life is death. No one is capable of escaping the sting of it. The only inevitable, the fairest—only inequitable. But what really makes this matter so fascinating and morbidly enticing is that we do not know what happens after death or even before we were born.

What is life before or after life?

"Patay na si Ara." I remembered how my mama announced the death of her newborn daughter, my younger sibling. The prosaicness of her very voice would make you doubt whether she was nonchalant out of profound grief or that she simply did not care.

Napatingin ako sa isa ko pang kapatid na natutulog sa duyan na kahapon lang ay tinutulugan ng ngayong kapapanaw lang na isa ko pang kapatid. Kahapon lang ito nadala sa ospital matapos nitong maipanganak dalawang araw ang nakalipas.

Binuksan ko ang cellphone ko na nasa itaas lang ng aking hita. 7:28, male-late naman ako.

I heaved a sigh—a pretty heavy sigh. The air that I just breathed out seems to also have taken the accumulated and indistinct burden inside my chest, a burden that was long seized enough to weigh me down to the lowest point of my life.

"Gayle," she muttered my name in a manner that was so soft, with such a tone that I hadn't really heard from her before, it sounded like a plea. I looked up at her, who's standing in the doorway, not so distant from the couch where I am seated.

She did not say a thing, even though she saw how my eyes were asking for more words from her. After a moment, she just averted her gaze. The pain in her eyes was more severe than before.

She is not hard to read. And I perceived that she was expecting a certain reaction from me. Alam ko kung ano ang tumatakbo sa utak niya. Yung tingin niya kanina, yung tono ng pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko ay tila ba tinatanong niya kung ano na? Alam kong kagaya ko ay, hindi rin naman niya alam kung anong gagawin o kung ano ba ang nararapat niyang gawin kaya nagtatanong siya sa akin.

Pero ano bang alam ko? Dise sais años pa lang naman ako. Ano bang kaya kong gawin para makatulong? Ano bang inaasahan niyang gawin ko?

That scene was almost a week ago. And after that day, we both became uncommunicative. Hindi kagaya ng dati na palagian niya akong napapagalitan, napupuna, at nasisigawan. Pero naasikaso pa rin naman nito ako, kahit papaano. She is depressed, and I know, and I didn't even do anything about it. Kasi nga, hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ang gagawin. The very least I could do is not be an asshole and just be an obedient daughter.

"Himala ah nagbabaon ka na ngayon ng pang lunch," one of my classmates said as I took out my lunch that was prepared by my mother earlier this morning.

For the past few days, I have been bringing lunch and eating breakfast. Something I do not frequently do. I am an indolent kind of student. I woke up late and hurried myself to not be so late in class that I did not have much time to eat breakfast and prepare for lunch. My mother stopped preparing my lunch as I always forget to bring it with me as I am always in a hurry every morning. Also, before, there were times that she just did not bother cooking breakfast anymore. Besides, my younger sister also wakes up a little late.

My mother only wakes up early and prepares breakfast for me. And that I barely even get to eat and bring those she prepared for me. I feel so sorry for her, and only if I have enough courage to apologize and tell her I appreciate it.

"Ang unang lesson natin sa markahang ito ay tungkol sa Mga Isyung Moral Tungkol sa Buhay." Our ESP instructor began his discussion. Hearing the first few words of the very title of our lesson is enough to draw a conclusion about where the discussion is supposed to end.

"Ang buhay ang pinakamaganda at pinakamahalagang handog na ipinagkaloob sa iyo."

"Ang buhay na ipangkaloob sa tao ay tinuturing na banal at sagrado."

"Ang buhay ng tao ay maituturing na pangunahing pagpapahalaga."

Those are only a few of the things that were mentioned throughout the discussion. That was still the introduction, though. We haven't yet tackled further issues about drug abuse, alcoholism, abortion, euthanasia, and, of course, suicide. We did not have much time to discuss those matters further and were told to have them in our next meeting. But he left us an assignment: to do an essay answering such questions as:

Paano mo pinapahalagahan ang iyong buhay?

A question that I might have a hard time answering. I have long been fascinated with death, and I have been yearning for my own. I have long been relishing pain, and I cause it resolutely to myself. I do not think much about life the way I often do about death. That's certainly why my life seems pretty messed up these days.

Paano ko nga ba sasagutin ang ganoong uri ng tanong kung hindi ko nga sigurado kung pinapahalagahan ko nga ba yung buhay ko?

Although I find our lesson quite interesting, I can't help but wonder: Why do we always have to talk about life? Why do we always talk about the importance of life and yet pretty seldom about death? Aren't we going to all end up there? Isn't death just as relevant as birth?

Both are just as relevant to discuss, but people get a bit evasive when it comes to this part. But then I understood it: perhaps death is just way too disturbing for others. It brings discomfort and melancholy.

And then I remembered my late sibling. She faced death right after her birth. And I seriously do not know what to feel about it. That is why I did not react when Mama announced her passing.

Should I be sad because she did not have the chance to live a life?

But life is hard. We are not privileged enough; she would suffer in life. The world is cruel, and so are people—so are my parents, her parents, our family, and I.

Or should I just be happy that she did not have to live such a life?

One day she's born, and after some days she died.

A lot of our neighbors and relatives pitied her for passing away that early.

"An angel like her does not deserve a death so swift as that," I remembered one of them saying.

But I think she would be more pitiful if she had to live a life so poor and so cruel. Such a life that she certainly does not deserve.