REDAMANCY - Love's Timeless Path

28th Note

My eyes opened slowly when sunlight came in from Jendra's blind, casting long stripes across the bed room floor. Dust motes dance in the light, highlighting the general disarray—an empty coffee mug precariously balanced on a stack of magazines—and our clothes clinging to the arm of the couch like a forgotten friend after last night. I glanced at his face. He was still asleep, with pillows piled up around him. A habit he has every time he sleeps.

The air in this apartment hung heavy today, thick with the scent of yesterday's make out and that vague, indescribable odor of how last night we expressed all our feelings through sexual intercourse.

I took a deep breath, and the familiar scent—a mix of Jendra's apartment reed diffuser, spilled coffee grounds from the French press, and maybe a hint of his perfume—washed over me. It was not fancy, this atmosphere, but it's ours.

I slowly got out of bed and put on my clothes one by one before leaving a small note on his nightstand. My hand stroked his face again before I kissed his cheek. Whispered softly in his ear, saying how much I loved him.

The scent of sandalwood and sweet vanilla in this room somehow suffocated me. It felt like what happened last night here still made me unable to reconcile with the situation. Even when Jendra kissed me, I felt like crying—not because I was angry with him, but because I love him so much that I was afraid of all the truths that I kept denying.

The insecurity that made me afraid. Every concern that messed with my mind. Everything.

I should have known that Jendra wouldn't leave me, but I, who always felt small, became so afraid when another woman dared to approach him.

Before I completely closed the door, I looked again into the apartment. It was a messy, imperfect kind of atmosphere, but it held a certain charm. It whispered stories of movie marathons that stretched into the wee hours, of tearful quarrels commiserate with pints of ice cream, and of triumphant celebrations over our victories big and small.

This disarray, this scent, this quiet — it was the atmosphere of a life lived, a life loved, in this little corner of the world.

For both of us.

I knew that the love we have wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. They were still hurt, and quarreling, but they didn't sting as bad. Each time, I learned something about myself and what I was looking for.

But this was it, rock bottom. The culmination of years spent letting fear and insecurity be my life coaches. As I looked back at his confession last night, it really made me nervous. A single, tearful laugh escaped my lips as I remembered how he called me.

'I love you, Ra..'

Which 'Ra' do you mean, Jen?

I waved my hand at Giandra and Agni, who had just entered one of the cafes I chose for our lunch. I had just returned to my apartment and changed all my clothes, everything that reminded me of last night's events was really bothering me.

"Have you been waiting for a long time?" Giandra asked me.

I shook my head. "I just arrived too."

"What happened yesterday, Kak?" Agni held my hand tightly. Her sweet and soft voice seemed to clash with the songs playing in the café. Gave me a calm feeling of being cared for.

"I'm doing fine, dek."

I glanced at my phone, the screen kept turning on. Showing lots of chats from Jendra. He also called me several times, but I ignored him.

"Don't lie, Ra." Giandra clicked her tongue in annoyance. "Jendra called me earlier and asked where you were. But I just said I don't know. Just please tell me what happened yesterday."