.Firefly.

Full Book.

Firefly

I was hooked on his madness
"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." -A.
"Even though I never really fell in love, everything changed when I met him." -A

    Hello lover, I hope you're doing well in life. I'm doing pretty okay. I miss you, do you miss me too? There is a part of me that wishes you'd call me or text me but I know it is wrong for us to speak to each other. I can't do that myself or to you again. I just need to hear your voice and how it used to sound when you talked to me with such a delicate and calm demeanor. The voice you only had for me and your younger sister, the two people that truly loved you and saw you for you and did not run. Even though I wished I did. He was kind and loving a sweet soul that acted like the perfect gentleman. I don't think I will ever love anyone else the way I loved him. But loving someone like him was dangerous for someone so young to experience. But you never know I might meet someone that will change my life forever just like he did all those years ago. He had many good qualities to him at the start of us being in a relationship. I loved the way he used to take care of me when I was sick or ill or just not having a good day. He was always the one to help me and care for me when no one else would. I remember that one day in high school when I called him crying from the bathroom because my period cramps were so bad that I couldn't move, he dropped everything that was going on in his day and took care of me when I needed him the most. Or his soft green eyes used to read my blue ones and he would just know when something was wrong with me without me saying a word to him he just knew me that well. He knew when I needed to be comforted and when I needed space from him and no one has ever figured that out about me except him. He was one of the only men in my life that I could trust.

In those days when we were so happy and content with life and each other, he was just perfect. He showed me the beauty of the moon under city lights, he showed me the beauty of my tears, he taught me the beauty of me while I was broken, and he taught me that being myself around others is okay.

Firefly
By: Anna Flannagan
Trigger Warning
Sexual Assault
Physical Abuse
Verbal Abuse

Introduction.... He took advantage of an already vulnerable and innocent girl and  got her into thinking that he was the only one that could save her from herself. He believed he was protecting her in the best way possible, however, everything he did to her was meant to harm her more cruelly. And the worst part of the whole story is that she truly loved him. He did so many unforgivable things. He was the first person to break her into so many different pieces. He was the one to tell her that she was nothing and that if she told anyone what was going on between her and him then she would end up in a lot more danger than she was in before. But he was the one that told her that he loved her and then went off with other girls behind her back and betrayed her in any way a person can betray someone in a "loving" relationship. He was the one that broke her heart without trying, he was the one to kiss her at two in the morning under the stars and held her tight like he never wanted to let her go ever.

But he was a worse person than she originally thought. He displayed both his good and bad traits to me, and as I saw more of those parts of him, I began to try to understand why he was the way that he was. It would take some time for me to comprehend everything, but once I did, everything made sense. I made an effort to help him, but it didn't turn out well. Darling, your beauty was something I wish I had seen sooner because now you are not in my life, you are broken but with the beauty you had I wanted you to see that more. The freckles on your face that I used to touch and the way you used to move in your sleep while I did it was my favorite thing. I wish I could tell him all of the things that I wished I had told him when we were still together but I never got the chance. But I can't tell him those things because he is dead to me now but there is still this small part of me, a very small part of me that knows if I stayed with him for any longer I would be a lot more broken than I am now. And I'm so proud of myself to escape someone like him and it took me a long time to understand what he was doing to me was wrong and not right and it also took me even longer to get away from him and the monster within him. There is still a small part of myself that is still his but it is the old version of myself, not the new one. The old version of myself and that version was the younger high school girl that was deeply in love with a boy and trusted him so much that she didn't realize that he was a monster hidden in the handsome face of a boy. And that small part of me that is still his will always be frozen in time and she will never get away from him and that breaks my heart to know that he still has that effect on me after all of these years. I wish I never met him in my life because my life would be a lot less chaotic and crazy all the time. I wished I never looked at him the way I did that one day when we went to school together. If I didn't do that then my life would be a lot less stressful all the time. If I didn't meet him that day my life would be completely different from what it is like now. I wish that I could go back in time and tell someone or just do something that could have stopped him earlier but I didn't I was too scared to speak to anyone about him and what he was doing to me I was scared he would do something way worse to me if I tried to tell someone about what he was doing to me for so long.  I was way too young at the time to realize what he was doing to me but he knew exactly what he was doing to me. He wanted to hurt me and he did it on purpose. And every time he told me he was sorry but I knew that he never really meant it. All the roses, the apologies and the kisses he gave me after hitting me did not help either, it only made things worse for me. Because he acted like a completely different person after he hit me and then he acted like he didn't do anything wrong and that he was in the right but he was never in the right he was a monster and the devil at the same time. One of the things that bothered me was when I finally got the chance to tell someone about what had happened between me and Adam he told them that I was lying and that I was only looking for attention which made my situation even worse than before because then all of the people that I got the chance to tell thought I was a liar. But he was the one that was the liar and the one that was abusing me for years. I was telling the truth he was the one that always lied about all of the things that happened between me and him and he had the power in the situation and I never had the power he always had the power over me.  But he wasn't only lying to others but he was also lying to himself. Telling others that he didn't do anything wrong and that he didn't hit me was the way he took back control over his actions. He didn't want to admit to himself that he could do something so horrible to an innocent person so he lied to others and himself to justify his own horrible and sadistic actions towards me. He also went through some similar trauma that he put me through when he was a small child. His father used to scream at him all the time and then it started to escalate into something way darker. His father was a very abusive alcoholic and he hit Adam and his mother for years until his mother found out that her husband was abusing her child so she had a plan to get away from him and take Adam with her. And all of those traumatic things he went through for almost twelve years he had so much built-up anger and frustration that is related to his biological father so he took out all of that and put on the innocent girl that fell for him. He was always a different person when he was around me but he also is a different person when he was around other people it was like he had a switch in his mind that could change in a blink of an eye and he could be a completely different person and that could be a very good thing or a very scary to witness. He was the first person that I ever fell deeply in love and I think that he taught me a lot of important lessons he also taught me a lot of things about myself and how I can overcome challenges and how I don't always let people in my life to help me I can be independent and self-reliant and not have to depend on anyone and I'm thankful for that I got to have such a horrific and scary experience with one person that I deeply loved and that showed me that I deserve better.  And I wish I never met him in the way that I met him cause I will remember that night for the rest of my life. There was just something about him that drew me to him in the first place and I don't understand to this day why I stayed with him for so long I think the reason why was that I was delusional and I thought that he did love me but he never loved me he never really cared he never put in the effort like I put any effort into the relationship he did in the beginning and then all of the kindness and all of the love that he was showing me, in the beginning, started to deteriorate and disappear and that's when I realized that shit was going to get way worse but I stayed because I loved him.  And things would get a lot worse not only for me but for him and his family. And I wish him all the best in life and I know I shouldn't think like that and I shouldn't be saying I wish him the best even if he abuse me for three years of my life I still wish him the best in life and I hope that he's getting the help that he needs and he is improving himself for himself and no one else that's what I wish for him to be doing in his life right now is to be working on himself.