Little Princess

Anxiety

It's been too long without angst. And comfort of course

*Nymeria's P.O.V*

Just that one day being little had seemed to fix my issues. At least the major ones. I didn't find myself missing them so much, mostly because I was with them at all times. And now that I wasn't little, as I laid here in bed with my head resting on the pillow...how pathetic was I?

I was the ruler of a kingdom. I was an adult. What was so wrong with me that I couldn't function like a normal human being. I rubbed my eyes, sighing as I sat up in my bed. I had convinced Elvira...Queen Elvira that is, to send me home after a day of playing with her and King Ariston. It had been a fun day. For the most part. Up until the crippling anxiety had settled in.

"Why are you so fucked up brain?" I ask, sighing when I remember that it would be noted down in the stupid little contract book. I couldn't bring myself to care at the moment, seeing as I was so tired. I ran my hands through my hair angrily, getting out of bed. I wasn't going to be able to sleep when my brain was like this so I may as well give up.

I leave my room, noticing that Antoinette had fallen into step with me as soon as I left my room. I didn't pay any attention to them, not in the moment that I tried to gather my thoughts. It was my luck that Antoinette had drawn the night shift of guarding me, seeing as Castien was always so grumpy late at night.

"Are you okay Nym?" Antoinette asks, making me shake my head. My chest felt heavy, as if someone had laid several heavy bricks onto my chest. I managed to keep breathing in and out though, trying not to show how my anxiety was affecting me right now.

"I need to get drunk," I say as I turn to face them, making their brows furrow.

"I don't think you need to do that," Antoinette says gently, trying to guide me away from the direction we were heading. The direction of my study.

"I do. I need to feel that out of body experience, to be free to talk without my mind constantly making me feel like I should kill myself since I'm embarrassed by everything," I say, continuing to walk to my study. My nightgown left me feeling cold on the short walk, making my desire for alcohol stronger.

"Gin, gin, gin," I murmur, not wanting to forget what I came in here for. Antoinette follows me into my study, shutting the door behind me and taking guard at the door. I unlock the cabinet with one of the many keys on my necklace, knowing which one it is by heart. The 3rd gold one from the right, the one which was worn smooth from age. I smile as I open the cabinet, pulling out the bottle of gin and two shot glasses.

I pour the shots, grabbing one in each hand and going over to Antoinette. They give me an unimpressed look, shaking their head slightly when I try to hand a shot glass to them.

"Fuck, I forgot. You don't drink. You can find a different guard to replace you, I don't want to drink around you," I say, earning a soft smile from them.

"Nymeria, I am fine with you drinking. I don't mind when people drink around me, I just won't partake. And don't feel guilty either, I go to the bar often with the other guards even if I don't drink," they say, making me nod. I tap the glasses together in a small cheer before taking one shot and then the other right after. I nearly gag at the taste, feeling like I've just drank nail polish remover.

"Should have had a chaser," I mutter, going to my desk where the rest of my pitcher of water from earlier today is sitting. I lift up the pitcher, drinking straight from it and letting some of the water trickle down my chin. I set the glass down, turning to face Antoinette now that I'm already feeling the buzz from the gin.

"How do you know yourself so well? And love yourself?" I ask, making them tilt their head. Whether in confusion or thought, I'm not sure. I pour another shot as I sit on the edge of my desk.

"What do you mean?" Antoinette asks, leaning against the door slightly.

"You don't identify with what people consider the norm. Being nonbinary and all," I say, making them smirk slightly as they nod.

"How...do you do it? Be okay with the fact that you're not considered the norm?" I say, tripping over my words as I talk to them. I feel like my questions are stupid, like I should stop now. However I only make myself stop when Antoinette opens their mouth. Plus I took another shot of Gin and now my body isn't feeling like my own.

"Because I know myself. And frankly if I gave a shit what other people said I would have never become a guard or transitioned or kept my name feminine. People will always have something to say to me Nym, I will never please myself if I try to please everyone else. And compared to everyone else, I'm the only one I care about pleasing. This is my body, my brain, I know it better than some stranger who sees me on the street," Antoinette explains as they move over to me. I reach out, cupping their face. I can tell that surprised them, seeing as I never really reached out for affection unless I desperately needed it.

"I hate myself. My name, my voice, my face. Not that I want to change it but that it exists. I hate my brain and my clinginess and my inability to be independent," I say, my voice choking as Antoinette's hand reaches up to press my hand against their face.

"I don't...I don't even feel real right now. Or other nights when I think. What if I am nothing? What if that's all I was ever meant to be?" I ask.

"If nothing is all you were meant to be, I do not think you would have made it this far. Not as a woman, not as a child, not as you are now. If you were meant to be nothing, that is all you would have been. But you couldn't be nothing. No one is nothing. Not you or I or even your mother. We are people, complex and viciously flawed in every way," Antoinette says, taking the shot glass from my hand.

"What if I am so flawed that I break?" I ask, the words tumbling from my lips before I can stop them. I can't help it though, I need to know. When I inevitably broke, like a crack going across glass until it breaks under the weight of itself, I would fall and shatter. I knew it.

"I will pick up the pieces. And so will Castien. And so will your kings and queens who love you so much," Antoinette says as they put the lid back on my Gin bottle. I sniffle slightly, surprised by their words.

"They don't love me," I whisper.

"How do you know? You're not in their heads or their hearts to decide for them," Antoinette says as they put their hands on my legs, their thumbs rubbing against the outsides of my legs as I sit there.

"I...don't know. But no one loves me so they can't love me either," I whisper.

"Oh my queen, you are so loved by so many. Even if you don't see it," Antoinette says as one hand moves to grab my waist, guiding me off the desk and over to the couch. I sit down on it, leaning back as Antoinette sits next to me. I press into them, feeling the delicious burn in my system that makes me want to drink more and simultaneously throw up.

"I love you Antoinette, as a friend. Not as a guard, not as a queen and her subject. But as a friend who has been there for me through almost everything," I whisper, feeling their hand move over my legs to hold me close.

"Nymeria, I love you in more ways than you'll ever know. You are my closest friend, the light of the sun, the stars in the night sky," Antoinette murmurs, their voice right in my ear as my eyes start to close. I try to force them back open but staying up so late with worries and then getting buzzed made that a task impossible to win. I just simply smile, feeling their arms wrap securely around me as I drift off to sleep in their arms, feeling at peace for tonight.