Interlinked

I'll tell your secrets to the stars

«a nightmare is just a dream: it cannot harm you directly. But it wears you out from the inside. Slowly. And if you carry that nightmare with you when the sun is high, you risk dying. Don't be fooled. We create our own nightmares»

—page 18 of Eris' diary.

Wood.

I could feel the wood against my fingertips as I gripped the axe tightly and shook it back and forth, repeatedly. I used a lot of strength, a strength given by an emotion that I couldn't put my finger on.And he screamed in pain and cried and trembled and begged me to stop as the ax collided and penetrated his body again and again, but I was in a sort of trance 

I was sweating. My breathing was labored, my eyes wide and fixed on my goal, my mouth slightly open.Blood splattered my face and the clothes I was wearing, making the scene even more graphic and terrifying than it already was.The weapon struck the man's head continuously and insistently, opening his skull and killing him.

Once I let go of the weapon I looked at the helpless body beneath me.There was nothing left of that man.Yet, I felt no sensation, no sense of peace or remorse.I didn't feel anything. Outside the small house I was in, everything was calm and regular, and life went on as normal. My hands were shaking: I didn't know if it was from the adrenaline or from what I had just done.

My heart pounded against my chest, my soul curled in on itself with shame, shame that I had managed to carry out such a violent act without fear or repentance.

"No, no, no, no! I didn't mean to!" I screamed, stumbling backwards and landing on the ground, eyes wide and tears streaming down my cheeks.

"It was all your fault.. what did you do.." my brother's voice said, like an echo, before revealing himself in front of me."

I didn't want to" I replied in a faint voice, while tears flowed from my eyes like a raging river."

It's all- your fault.." his silhouette said, before being pierced by a sword in the chest. Mother's sword.Blood dripped from his mouth as the life left his eyes.

"NO!"

I woke up with a start, with tears streaming down my face and my breath hitching. My legs were shaking, but I didn't care, I needed air.I slowly moved the covers off my body, sitting on the side of the bed, then standing up and tiptoing towards the door.Once outside I immediately relaxed at the sight of the stars, sitting in a hidden corner. If someone caught me out now, I'd be in a lot of trouble.I tried to breathe deeply, keeping my eyes closed, to calm my heart that was still pounding in my chest, threatening to jump out."You can't sleep too?" said a voice next to me.I think I had a heart attack.But when I turned to look at him, I found a similar face."And who the fuck are you?" I said, taking out my dagger, getting up on the ground and walking away from him."Hey hey! Okay, I'm Ridoc! Fourth wing!" He said, raising his hands.And then, I realized. He was little Sorrengail's teammate.What was he doing here at this time of night? And what did he want from me? Wait, what time was it?

"What are you doing out at this hour?"

"What are you doing out at this hour?"

I winced when we asked the same question at the same time. What the hell?"I could not sleep." He immediately answered."Me neither." I replied, before looking at him carefully: he has dark brown hair that flops against the brown skin of his forehead as he moves. He's not very tall, i think just one inch more than me.Christ, everyone in this quadrant is too beautiful. Men, women, even a chimpanzee would look sexy if he walked in here, probably.

"Nightmare?" He asked, and I flinched again. He noticed, nodding his head towards me. "You're sweaty and I can tell you've been crying, plus you look like you just woke up" he explained looking at me.I didn't respond, simply preferring the option of turning my head to the other side, then raising it slightly to be able to direct my gaze and look at the stars.He was silent for a while, and as soon as I started to think that maybe he would go away, he raised his head to look at the stars, and spoke."I have them too" his tone was sweet, vulnerable. Hearing that warmed my soul. In a place like this, where any vulnerability or form of humanity was despised, seeing someone show it made me vulnerable too."It's shitty" I whispered, but my attention shifted when I saw him lower himself, and sit on the ground, looking at the sky decorated with thousands of stars. So I sat down too, at a safe distance, with the dagger still in my hand.

No words, I didn't even give him a look. That night no one found us out late and yelled at us. That night, I spent hours sitting next to what could easily have been my enemy during the day. He could have killed me, but he didn't.And I wasn't worried that this would somehow get out or make people realize how fucking weak I really am.

I know he won't say anything, because now, he knows my secret, and I know his. And here, in this quadrant, is perhaps the worst a cadet could have:

We are human.