solace in the sky

chapter three: aside

i tried to take a deep breath, but i cried myself into a frenzy. my head was tucked between my knees, my fingers clawing my damp hair. dad. where is this place you wanted me to find? "where is it?" i whispered to the air. i picked up a rock and threw it at a nearby tree. it cracked in two. "where is it?" i repeated to myself, my voice cracking like my dad's always would.

i started shivering, so i put on my trenchcoat.

'she's wearing a green trenchcoat. she's probably part of the scout regiment or something.'

i put on the trenchcoat, hugging it close to me, sniffling. i decided to examine it in the morning, as it was much too dark outside. i traced its seams, remembering how i bought it about a month ago from a merchant in the underground, my first purchase leading to my escape. it definitely wasn't new -- nearly nothing in the underground was. a good amount of it was stolen, so it was possible that it could have originated from the scout regiment. i'm pretty sure the military police had large emblems on the backs of their uniforms... but mine doesn't have one. i tried to visualize the back of the coat in my head, and i recalled that there was a slightly darker spot on the back. there might have been an emblem on there and they took it off. i sighed. what am i even supposed to do with this information?

i set the scout regiment aside, and planned out what i should do once morning breaks. in the meantime, i pulled out my book and read.

-----

i had read through the book once already once the sun started to rise, and since there was enough light, i went to wash my dirty clothes in the pond. i slung them over a couple of branches on a tree set back from the more visible trees, hoping nobody would take them. i took off my trenchcoat too, since it was warm enough without it. i took a glance at the back like i had intended to, noticing that there was once surely a patch of somesort sewn onto the back, as there was not only a dark area, but also some distressed areas where it looked like someone cut or tore the patch off. i put it in my bag and then started walking toward the inners of town, noticing that there was a lot more bustle and chatter than usual. i tried eavesdropping on a few different conversations, but none of them seemed relevant, so i chose to ask a merchant what was going on.

"hey there sir, do you have any idea why it's so busy today?"

he gestured to an even more populated part of the district. "the scouts just went on a mission and are coming back in probably an hour. the people love to see the shitshow." his tone was unimpressed.

i nodded. "ahh... okay, thank you." i chose not to ask more of him, just in case it appeared suspicious. i tried to remember my surroundings and headed to where he was talking about, stopping to buy some matches on the way there. i tried to study people's faces as i got closer. most of them seemed anxious, some happy, some grim. eventually i noticed that the people were creating a pathway, presumedly for the scout regiment. i stepped aside and join the crowd. after about twenty minutes of waiting, the scout regiment finally arrived.

there was a collective, ascending gasp as the scouts crossed each person's line of vision. the man who appeared to be the leader looked angry and defeated, but understandably so, as the group he led was barely alive. there were some scouts with bandaged heads, missing arms and legs, scrapes, bruises, and just about every other injury there was. one of the carts also appeared to have a stack of bodies on it.

before i could react, a woman next to me ran in front of the leading man, who stopped the line of scouts. "commander shadis! please tell me if my husband made it... is he okay? please, is he okay?" she dropped to her knees, begging, desperation painted over each of her words. "his name is brad leavers. i'm carrying his child... please tell me he's alive."

commander shadis looked down at the woman, scowling, shutting his eyes. "i'm sorry ma'am." he got off of his horse and knelt down on the ground in front of her. "leavers didn't make it, but he was brave to the very end. he will be remembered... for that smile on his face." he couldn't look her in the eyes.

i watched as the words processed on her face. it contorted as she started sobbing uncontrollably. "commander shadis," she choked out. "do...do you... have him? is there...anything left?"

his face somehow dropped even more as he shook his head no. "he was eaten whole. there was nothing to recover. i'm sorry..." he stood up, and looked down at the woman, pity in his eyes. he shook it off and got back onto his horse.

the woman remained in the pathway, pounding the ground, sinking into herself. "why did it have to be him? we were supposed to have a family..." her voice stretched thin over her cries.

i tried not to cry at the sight. i knew what loss was too, waking up one morning to find that my dad's body next to me was no longer warm. i bit the inside of my cheek, throwing my backpack off and running into the middle of the street to offer the lady some help. "ma'am," my voice wavered a little. "do you need a hand?" i offered it to her, trying to keep it together.

she looked at me, then my hand. she hesitated, wiping her face with her arm. "yes, please." she eventually muttered. she grabbed my hand, and i helped her up, walking her back to where we were standing.

"i'm very sorry for your loss." i whispered, letting go of her, picking back up my backpack.

"thank you for your condolences," she replied, her voice genuine. "but i no longer have a reason to be here." she said bluntly, disappearing into the crowd.

i stared at the ground as i heard more and more people learn of their loved ones' deaths, commander shadis' voice fading each time, along with others cursing the scouts for wasting tax dollars on their supposedly useless expeditions. it was a lot to take in, especially hearing the reality of the damage that titans could do. i'd heard of them, but i never had to give them much thought. i guess the aboveground has quite its share of troubles too.

once the scouts passed by, mostly everyone had dispersed. i stayed standing where i was, still taking everything in. a family a little ways away from me was huddled together, one of them wearing the green scout regiment cloak. the emblem resembled two wings. his were stained with blood, though.

"i missed you so much papa!" one of the small children yelled from her mother's arms, reaching for her father.

my lip quivered and my throat started to burn. i stormed in the direction from which i came, passing by people who were reuniting with or grieving their loved ones, the realization hitting me that nobody would miss me if i were to die. no family, no friends. i was all alone up here. not that i wasn't alone underground, either.

so when i heard that the scouts would likely be recruiting within the next few weeks, i decided that i might as well join.